But seriously, folks… (pulls on collar.)

So, I was driving through Chesterland and I saw the sheriff boarding up Silver Spa and having a press conference with some local media.  While everything is all alleged at this point, a quick google search revealed a message board where certain gentlemen exchanged notes on details of special “massages.”  If half these stories from the message board are true, then the folks at Silver Spa could be in serious trouble.

Warning.  If you click to read the rest of the story, you may read some graphic quotes about services that might or might not have been procured at Silver Spa in Chesterland.

First guy said this:

I went today to Lisa at Silve Spa.

Awesome

70 door

50 tip

Nice hands

Two times!

Second guy said this:

I have been to Silver spa many times and have always walked away happy !!! But they know me there I think, so that matters alot.

Enjoy,

Any been to TNT?

Third Guy Said:

I went to the new place in Chesterland called Tuks about three weeks ago and Here is how it went.

I got there and a cute lady in her 40′s answered the door. I would consider her a Milf since she has a kid. We go over the options, $50 for 1/2 hour $70 for full hour and that includes tanning bed,sauna,table shower, and massage.

I took the one hour but declined the tanning bed because I didn’t feel like filling out paperwork. The shower was good, the massage was even decent but Nothing else, not even a hint of any extras. So It was decided that unless I here of a change I will never go back. I went up the street to the silver spa and paid $50 for a half an hour and a girl named nancy gave me my massage and after about 10 minutes of the dingy innocent girl thing she proceeded to give me a HJ. She was very cute but a hand job is all they ever seem to do there, I did get to play with her a little but it seemed wierd with the door being open.

Fourth Guy Said:

I stopped by Silver Spa earlier this month and got a table shower and massage. The price for the hour was $70 and it started off with her giving me a robe to put on to walk to the table shower across the hall.- even though I was the only customer there. Things got a little better during the table shower, with the occasional brush of the private parts but no focusing on them. After drying me off, we didn’t bother with a robe, but she did wrap a towel loosely around me for the walk back across the hallway.

When I got back to the room, she finished drying me off and then began the massage. She didn’t ask whether I wanted it hard or soft like some masseuses do and the massage began with the towel covering my ass. The massage was pretty good although I could have used the harder massage. I do enjoy the walking on the back.

At one point, she started getting hot and I suggested she take some clothes off, but she didn’t accept my offer. She was dressed in normal clothes, nothing suggestive or provocative like at some spas, so I can see why she was getting warm.

About 40 minutes after I arrived, she announced the massage was almost over and I asked if she wasn’t forgetting something. She gave me the look of “you show me, ” so I took her hand and placed it. Then she made this sound of exasperation that I interpreted as “doesn’t anyone want just a massage? ” or it might have been that at this point, the only money on the table was change from what I had given her for the $70 and she thought I was going to be cheap. Either way, she finished the massage during which time I played with her ass and breasts. She stayed clothed the entire time. When the massage was over, she wiped me off and then helped me get dressed.

No discussion of the tip was ever made before or during the massage, which I like. I left a couple of extra Jackson’s lying on the table when she stepped out to get a towel. That seemed to make her very happy and she gave me big hugs and told me to come back.

The entire time from arrival to departure was about 50 minutes.

Fifth Guy Said:

Tuk’s in Chesterland is better than Silver Spa. Not sure if you can get it all in there yet but the last time I was there I got a HJ and was allowed total freedom with my hands and fingers. You used to not be able to touch in there at all so they are starting to get a little more loose in that place.

Sixth Guy Said:

Silver spa is a waste! The most you will get in there is a HJ. You can go to warren and spend the same amount of cash and get it all.

Tuk’s in Chesterland is better than Silver Spa. Not sure if you can get it all in there yet but the last time I was there I got a HJ and was allowed total freedom with my hands and fingers. You used to not be able to touch in there at all so they are starting to get a little more loose in that place.Jay,

In my experience, the Silver Spa and Tuks give about the same service – HJ. Some of the girls allow fondling but no more. I think the girls at Silver are better looking but that varies as they are rotated.

I use them because they are convenient and you can get a good massage and a release.

Definetely Warren is more rewarding.

Seventh Guy Said:

At Silver Spa, it’s all about managing expectations! Yeah, you won’t “get much” there, but it’s clean, friendly and actually provides an excellent massage. Was there a couple of days ago and saw “Suzy”; she was cute, sweet and petite. Saw I was in need so TCB first, then provided an incredible deep tissue massage that had me crossing back and forth over that fine line between pleasure and pain! Also, be very polite. Find out how to say things like “Hello”, “Thank you” and “Good-bye” in Korean. You’d be surprised at how far this goes!

Eighth Guy Said:

Hey guys whats up? Just dropping a quick note on TUKS in chesterland. Ive been going there on a regular basis for about two months now and I am treated very well, now that they know me. I got two HJ’s and even played with some naked titties. She even offered for my next visit i give her a massage!

Happy hunting!

All this started because Jen and I decided to buy some new furniture. We bought a bedroom set including a king size bed, and a dresser. We also bought a very nice three-piece leather sectional that was uber-comfy in the furniture store showroom. I imagined days upon days sitting on my butt watching sports and movies on our beauteous LCD TV complete with Media Center PC. Cue the needle scraping across the record on the record player (even though most of us are at least on CD’s if not MP3′s. Come to think of it, the needle scratching off the record is something I am going to miss when it becomes completely culturally irrelevant at some point in the future. ANYWAY…)

The couch wouldn’t fit in the house. The knuckle-draggers from the furniture store were unable to get it into our house. Not through the front door. Not through the side door. Not even through the five foot (2.5 foot opening) sliding glass door on the side of our humble abode. Not after taking the smallish feet off of the couch and trying many different angles. The couch wasn’t coming in.

What to do, what to do? See, I had already given away my old couch, which I truly didn’t want anymore. I really wanted this new couch. We had talked about getting French doors put in the patio to replace the nasty old sliding glass door. We called the furniture store and told them to hold the couch in their warehouse. We were getting new doors to spruce up our house and so we could have our new couch delivered through brand new French doors which would open up wide enough to use the full five foot opening in the side of our house.

After a few measurements and a bit of research we headed to Home Depot. We found out that our 60 inch opening was atypical for French doors. We found out that they never keep them in stock. So, we started looking through catalogs at 5 foot wide French doors. And then, armed with information, but still in need of expertise, we started working with a Home Depot salesperson to get some doors.

First things first, we said we didn’t know what we wanted to do in terms of installation. I have access to people who can do things like install doors. That being said, time was of the essence with my couch sitting in a warehouse and not in my family room. So, I asked the sales associate if it mattered if I had installation lined up yet or not. She told me that it didn’t matter at all. “At any point in the process, you can choose to have Home Depot install your doors.” (***Note this phrase.) So, she guided us through all the options with our new French doors on her computer screen. She assured us that the doors and entryways are all pretty standard. She plugged in some approximate measurements and we made some decisions on materials, and away we go. We paid for the door on our credit card and left Home Depot with a sunny disposition knowing that our new doors, and thus our new couch was on the horizon.

After talking to some people about getting our door installed, it seemed to be too much of a hassle, so Jen and I decided to use Home Depot to install the doors. In their store, they list a basic door install price of $349. Being a savvy shopper, I knew that it couldn’t possibly come in that cheaply. I was sure that our door would cost more than that to install. We called and the install company sent someone out to measure the opening. At this point, I assumed that he was just out to figure out how many shims and sealing materials he was going to need for our door. Then, right before he left, he said some magical words to me. “The good news is that the door you ordered is going to fit.”

Cue the scratching record sound again.

You mean there was a CHANCE that our standard sized door wasn’t going to fit? We ordered a door that might or might not have fit in the side of our brick house? Apparently, standard Home Depot door installation process has the install company come out and measure the opening FIRST. Before ordering the door. Apparently the opening sizes aren’t quite as “standard” as they led me to believe. But still, we dodged a bullet because the installer assured me the door we ordered wasn’t going to be a problem.

Now, maybe I should have known the standard process. Maybe I should have logically figured out that a real professional measurement by someone capable of installing the door was in order before you buy the door from the manufacturer. But I never claimed to be an expert. I was looking for advice every step of the way, and I took Home Depot guidance.

So, the installer sent his measurements and estimates back to Home Depot and I got a call from a manager at Home Depot telling me that the estimate for installing the door was in. Including labor, materials and everything else my install price was going to be $811.

Cue the scratching record again. EIGHT HUNDRED AND ELEVEN DOLLARS? I said earlier that the standard listed install price on the sign in Home Depot was $350. I knew that it was going to be more expensive than that, but MORE THAN DOUBLE THE PRICE??!?!??!? WOW. After complaining a bit about the bait and switch that I felt like they pulled on me, they were able to lower the price to $762 by not charging me for some of the molding and materials. I still felt like I was the victim of a robbery at best and a raping at worst, but my thoughts again moved to the couch in the warehouse that I so desperately wanted to place my butt on to watch the Indians and cinematic gems from my media center.

I gave in and said “go” to the install. Keep in mind that after waiting for the door to be shipped to the store and waiting for the measurement and all that jazz, we are about four weeks into the door process. At the beginning, I wanted this door thing to be a two week ordeal before realizing that nobody carries any inventory of 60 inch French doors.

Install day arrived, and coincidentally it was also the Indians’ home opener. I met the installer at my house and he started out by throwing the tape measure around. Then he went to the truck and threw the tape measure around my door. After some time, he started taking molding away to throw the tape measure around some more. Then again, back to the truck.

I don’t think I even need to say it at this point. You all probably know where this is going. The installer claimed that he was 5/8ths of an inch too big for the opening and it wasn’t going to work. He said he was going to take the door back to the store, but that he was sure we would get it all worked out and I would eventually have a new door. I was massively disappointed. My stomach turned to knots and honestly, it was a level of frustration that brought me to a serious level of dejection that I haven’t seen in quite some time.

Here we were about five weeks into a process that began because I wanted a new couch. All this because we couldn’t get this couch in my house during a furniture delivery.

And then my dejection started to turn to anger. Upon leaving, the installer made a flippant comment. “Well at least now I won’t have to miss the Indians game.” I didn’t say anything, but my blood was boiling. I don’t know if he was avoiding the install because of the Indians home opener, but now, with that comment, the installer at least opened up that suspicion. Either way, he took the door back to Home Depot.

And this is the part of the story where we get to meet Jeff. Jeff is a manager at the Home Depot in my area, and I didn’t even change his first name to protect him. Why? I don’t care about him. I have never really gotten into a screaming match with someone on the phone before I met Jeff. He is the reason that I will do everything in my power for the rest of time to keep from giving a dime to Home Depot.

Jeff called me to follow up on the failed installation. One of the first things he says to me is that he is trying to figure out how it is that my measurement came after I ordered the door. I was confused by the line of questioning and finally asked Jeff how, exactly any of this was helpful to me as a paying customer to get my door installed. And he said to me, “Well, I have already talked to my manager and you are supposed to get measured before you order the door. You ordered a door that is too big for the opening and we aren’t going to take this one back.”

CUE 357,863 RECORD NEEDLES SCRAPING, BUT NOT IN UNISON. EACH IS DELAYED FROM THE LAST BY SOME NUMBER OF MILLISECONDS CREATING A RECORD SCRAPING CACOPHONY, THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER EVER HEARD.

This is when I started screaming at Jeff. “Let me get this straight. You are questioning me in hopes of figuring out an order of events where I am to BLAME so you can get out of having to take this door back into inventory? Do you treat all your customers like criminals? Do you think I went through this process ordering your employees around, or do you think I was following their advice along the way? I was assured that I could choose Home Depot as my installer at any point along the way. I would appreciate you helping me find a solution to the problem we have rather than looking to stick me with building inventory. You are the ones who sell building supplies for a living NOT ME.”

Of course, my rant was interrupted multiple times by him trying to get a word in edgewise, but I lost my shit. I lost it to the point that I actually had a pain in my voice from clenching so badly while I was yelling. I have never been so livid at any store in my entire life. I understand that Home Depot didn’t want to take the door back because I am sure they are graded as a store on inventory efficiency, but don’t be confused. Inventory isn’t Home Depot‘s primary business. Customer Service is probably number one, followed closely by building supplies. Jeff was trying to maneuver to the point that he wanted the customer to be so dead wrong that he would have to buy a second door and be stuck with the first door that possibly wouldn’t fit into an opening in his house.

At this point, I start reaching out to those resources that I had in the first place to possibly take over installation duties of this door. If the opening isn’t wide enough then we are going to have to do something about that. I couldn’t possibly eat the money it cost me to buy the door. If I wasn’t going to get anyone to work with me at Home Depot, I would at least try to make the best of it. My uncle came out, measured the opening, and then went to Home Depot with my receipt and demanded to measure the door. By his estimates it is going to be REALLY tight and we might have about a half inch of room width-wise in the opening to get the door in. That is not a lot of wiggle room, to be sure.

Still, it looks like we might have a door installation take place sometime in the next two weeks, and then I can get my couch.

Is it any wonder that I have been playing Call of Duty 4 so much lately? I have been working on gaining experience points based on killing, and more specifically the number of headshots you can rack up. Is it any wonder at all?

But it doesn’t end there. I officially canceled the Home Depot “installation” this morning and they wouldn’t refund the total amount. When you get measured, it costs $30. That money goes toward the installation price, but there is another destination charge in your installation fee which is non-refundable. That fee is $50. So, they weren’t able to refund the $50 destination charge where the guy came and couldn’t install my door after the measurer told me there would be no problem. So, basically they extorted $20 from me at best and $50 from me at worst. And the nerve of the woman on the phone to say, “It’s only $20 because the measurement was $30.” I told her to go ahead and process the refund, but that she shouldn’t say “It’s only $20″ because I basically paid that $20 FOR NOTHING AT ALL.

Congrats to all those of you who made it here to the end of this post. I appreciate you listening to me vent. Hopefully you will learn from my mis-steps and the retardation of the dummies who helped me get to this point in my journey.

Here’s hoping that this story eventually ends well. In the meantime, screw Home Depot. Never again. You are truly dead to me.