Hating on ESPN
Did you know that Bill Belichek used to work for Bill Parcells? Did you know Bill Parcells won his Superbowls with Belichek on his staff? Do you know that Belichek won his Superbowl without Parcells? Did you know that the two Bills worked together for different teams at different times with varying rates of success? Do you know that they are both good coaches? Do you know that they can be put in a split screen 2,345 times during a single game on ESPN Sunday Night Football? Do you know that a horrible announcing crew can infuriate you with their one-track mind also known as a story-line (”The Bill’s”)that the producers made them carry for the entire game? Do you know that some of us don’t need an overdone storyline to enjoy a game that is already compelling because of the rules and the PLAYERS as well as the two coaches who may or may not have anecdotal qualities about them?
ESPN killed me with this game last night. They did the same thing with Lebron’s first game. Relax on the storylines and broadcast some sporting events. OK?
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11 Responses to “Hating on ESPN”
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Amen.
I’m looking forward to Madden’s comments about tonight’s Steelers game. Should be redundant and include a lot of sound-making as always.
Aw, c’mon, fellas. That game was “mostly emotional.” Tiffany down on the field said so. Twelve times. And she should know, because she’s a bona fide woman, and you know how in touch with their feelings those women are. You can tell just by the tremendous waves of emotion flashing across the faces of Parcells and Belichick how emotional it all was for them. Man they look emotional. Oh, and did you notice how great Quincy Carter is? Man, he’s good. Geez. Did I mention how good he is? What a nice tight spiral on that pass he just threw to the assistant Gatorade wrangler. What a passer. Look at him scramble. Jeepers. They’ll never sack him. Silly Willie McGinest chasing after him. Willie will never catch him, and after all, that’s how you win: fewest sacks. Man that guy Quincy Carter is great. If he can just start scoring some points, his team might even win, ‘cuz after fewest sacks, points are important, too.
Grr. It wasn’t just the talking heads. There was something wrong with the camera angles, and not just on the NauseaCam. The standard wide shot of the line of scrimmage was weird. Too wide or something. I think I’ll have to launch myself at someone and hope I don’t get a penalty.
[Yeah, I know. We won. I'll shut up now.]
By the way did I mention that if a team wins the turnover “battle” they win 84.4738475% of the time? This just in. If you don’t fuck up, you have a chance to win the game.
He led with his helmet! The yellow, gutless way they do things here! He’s out to hurt someone! Oh, the humanity! No, wait, he didn’t. My mistake.
I really hate all of those guys. I can’t properly express my loathing for Joe Thiessman. He has a masters degree in football cliche. Read his columns on ESPN.com sometime; they’re like sports cliche madlibs. In today’s, he says “The Patriots have an explosive offense.” No, they don’t, you goddamned hairdo. They have a plodding, low-risk, low-yardage offense. Joe Thiessman should only be permitted on television if Lawrence Taylor is going to come by and shatter his leg in a way so disgusting and vile that it is shown on instant replay a lot of times.
Not every sporting event needs a song and dance to go with it. Almost none of them do. And, really, after the first few minutes of the game, once you’ve mentioned them, you can shut up about it.
Once again, I must mention that I have a solution to this problem: variable announcer levels. The ESPN team would be somewhere around the nine-year-old level. Then you would have beginner, intermediate and advanced viewer levels, with the highest level being two guys just cracking jokes about the game. That way, children and mental patients who need the idiot emotional angles driven through their brains can watch the moron level, and I can get someone dropping one-liners and pointing out the few things I can’t see on TV and analyze for myself.
Also, I couldn’t name any good football announcers. Not one.
You know what, I have enjoyed certain phases of Al Michaels on Monday Night Football. He isn’t very fun with John Madden, but I thought the team of Michaels, Gifford and Dierdorf was pretty decent.
Over the years I have grown to really hate Bob Costas. Even though he doesn’t do football it is probably worth mentioning. I think a lot of it has to do with our own arrogance that we know everything, but a lot of the blame also goes on the networks for installing these unnecessary dramas into the games.
Giff wasn’t bad. I hate Dan Dierdorf, just because he’s another guy who likes to repeat the same six phrases over and over until one of them fits.
Pat Summerall was a guy I liked a lot. Until he was driven, screaming, from the booth by John Madden, of course.
Not fond of Al Michaels or Bob Costas. Both like to point out stuff that everyone’s known about since last Wednesday and report it like it’s new info.
Sean McDonough - whom you might remember from his old work with McCarver on CBS for baseball and from his work with the Red Sox for my entire life - does some college football, and he’s pretty good. Unfortunately, I don’t really care about college football.
Man, all these great sports commentators being talked about and not one mention of the greatest of all time DEION SANDERS!!!!!
Like an outbreak of crabs in a health club, Immmm oooouuuuttttt!!!!
Dizil Fizil
They’re all bad, but I have to admit that I breathe a sigh of relief any time I turn on the TV and Bill Walton isn’t on.
“Put it DOWN big man.”
You can look at this site for a tribute to “The Most Pathetic Commentator of All Time”
http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/Stadium/8163/walton.htm
Aw, TERRIBLE website there. Just TERRIBLE!
You’ve GOT to be able to make a better website than that one in today’s Internet, you’ve JUST GOT TO.
Bill Walton needs to die. During last year’s playoffs at the FleetCenter, I got to one game really early. There were maybe two hundred other people in the crowd, and the music hadn’t even started playing yet, so I heckled Bill Walton from the balcony and he heard me. Screw him and his Celtics title. He’s still terrible and blatantly Lakers biased.