I Approve This Message Moratorium
Unless you are a politician and you have to do so, nobody should end their commercials with “and I approve this message.” If you are a local car dealer, mattress salesperson, financial consultant, pool cleaner, landscaper, and yes, even an insurance person, you should not look to attempt to “cash in” on the comedy gold of the election season by pretending your advertisement is a political ad. It is right up there with Viagra jokes in terms of being fresh, interesting and funny.
Speaking of which, I had a friend who went to Chicago a couple weeks ago to see Robin Williams. It has been a hobby of mine to watch Robin Williams whenever he is on TV to see if he makes a five-years-too-late joke about Viagra, and when Robin goes into one of his irreverant ramblings, he can’t resist making a joke. Can’t resist.
So, I asked my friend to count the number of times that Robin referenced Viagra in his stand-up performance in Chicago and the answer came back even better than I ever could have hoped. Apparently, Robin Williams referenced Viagra a reported FOUR TIMES.
Can you get any more out of touch than that? What’s next? Jokes about airports and airline food?
Democrats vs. Republicans in a Mortgage Business Beatdown Competition
Well, it appears that a $700 billion dollar bailout deal has at least been struck in principal. What remains are the devilish details. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get this idea in print in time for it to be undertaken by the U.S. Government, but I feel it would have been perfect.
I think we should have had a Democrat vs. Republican competition. Turn it into a transparent reality show. Red vs. Blue.
On one side, the Republicans get to have their team and $350 billion. On the other side, the Democrats have their team and their $350 billion. They are competing to bail out the industry by buying assets and doing their best to turn a profit. On the line are bragging rights and lots and lots of dollars for the American public. Each side will always say that their ideas are the best. The only way to know for sure is to put them side by side and see how it all works out.
I won’t pretend to know all the intricate details of how this competition will work. I was a finance major in college, but I don’t work in the industry so the finite details are beyond my knowledge level currently. What I do know is that in a lot of cases, we have bad mortgages that are valued very very low. Probably even lower than the actual asset values. The supply and demand dictates that something is only worth what someone will pay for it, but if someone out there was capable of incurring the holding costs, say with $350 billion worth of bailout money on loan from the American people, I am convinced that there is money to be made.
So someone get Mark Burnett, Simon Fuller, The Ghost of Merv Griffin, and Howie Mandel on the phone, because I have an idea that is going to change the world. $700 billion dollars is going out, and we need to find out who can bring the most back! And any losses that are incurred will be supplemented by the TV revenue as we put our dirty laundry out there for all the world to see in fabulous HD. Let’s translate it into at least 25 languages to make sure we draw profits from around the world. I am predicting a home run.
Now this is what I call taking lemons and making lemonade.
Kimbo Slice Set to Face Ken Shamrock
If this was Ken Shamrock in the 90’s it might be meaningful. You know, when Ken Shamrock wasn’t 44 and winless over his previous four years? Kimbo Slice is the youtube, backyard sensation who occasionally fights on CBS as a part of the EliteXC branding of mixed martial arts. He might be the scariest looking dude on the face of the planet. He is one part Hulk Hogan, one part Mister T, along with one part of Junkyard Dog. At the same time, he has been pretty humble as he begins his MMA career. He always claims that he has a lot more to learn.
With that being said, is this match set for October 4th on CBS the right stepping stone for Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson? Is this the equivalent of when the UFC put Brock Lesnar against Frank Mir? Or is it an even lower rent version of that?
Frank Mir had disappeared from the competitive landscape before his fight with Lesnar, mostly due to a motorcycle accident in 2004, but even as of this writing the dude is only 29 years old. Ken Shamrock had a considerably more impressive career than Frank Mir, but the dude is 44 years old now and he hasn’t looked formidable in years.
Shamrock certainly doesn’t look as impressive as he did the day I sold him a set of electric ear and nose hair trimmers in Brookstone in the Copley mall in Boston. (True story. Wrestlemania was in town and Ken was in the WWF now WWE for a shot at the Intercontinental belt. See how I pushed that story in here for no apparent reason?)
Anyway, it should make for an entertaining fight at EliteXC on October 4th on CBS, and it definitely is another step up in opponents for Kimbo Slice. At the same time, it also proves Dana White’s point when he scoffs at Kimbo Slice as a formidable MMA fighter. White is on record as saying that Kimbo Slice is an interesting personality, but that he would get smashed by pretty much any fighter that the UFC has under contract.
There is certainly no way of knowing for sure based on who Kimbo Slice has fought thus far, and Ken Shamrock probably won’t be able to provide any kind of proof one way or the other.
The End of An Over-Reaction
Well, folks, the Janet Jackson / Justin Timberlake nipple-gate-pasty-wardrobe-malfunctioning affair is finally over. The date Justin Timberlake attempted to but really didn’t make Janet Jackson “naked before the end of this song” was February 1st 2004. Yesterday, a Federal Court of Appeals struck down the fine against CBS stations nationwide that totaled $550,000, levied by the seemingly toothless FCC. It makes me happy that the legal process played out this way, but the effects have already been so sweeping that the $550,000 is really the least of the country’s problems. This Janet Jackson nipple has caused sweeping puritanical change in the last 4+ years since it all went down because the FCC was able to get the maximum penalty raised from $27,500 per incident to $500,000 per incident.
Let’s count the ways:
- Television had to institute delays in most live broadcasts
- Television producers stopped pushing the envelope on nudity and language in their programming, even after 10 PM
- Radio tightened up their rules about language. It is to the point now where lawyers for CBS have instructed the Opie and Anthony Show that they can’t say “douche bag,” or “scum bag,” but they are allowed to use the word “douche,” and “scum,” individually. The (over)thinking is that the addition of the word “bag” constitutes a “description of a bodily fluid” and thus potential for FCC fines.
- Howard Stern moved to Sirius Satellite Radio at least partially as a result of the climate created by the event. Within a month of “nipplegate” Clear Channel, a syndicator or Stern’s show, removed Stern from its stations, citing raunchy material.
And who knows how many more examples there are of “standards and practices” departments at networks getting out of control with censorship. And this all went down as the result of an event that was EVENTUALLY OVERRULED IN A FEDERAL APPEALS COURT!
That’s just awesome.
How many comedians, entertainers, writers, and other artists have been stifled in the last 4 years, unnecessarily. The people that live on forever generally push the limits of what we are used to seeing. How much farther have we been set back?
Luckily, I don’t think we have been set back. While these companies were overreacting to the FCC and all the mock outrage over this incident, it has caused other avenues to thrive. Today, some of the most popular shows in the country have existed on HBO, Showtime, FX and other cable outlets that don’t censor themselves. While the networks have spent time nitpicking show creators on their networks, we have had the pleasure of watching the final seasons of The Sopranos, The Wire, Weeds, Dexter, Lucky Louie, Big Love, Rescue Me and what is reportedly the only show that Comedy Central doesn’t censor, South Park.
While the satellite radio companies seem set to merge because of negative economic realities facing the two companies, it isn’t a referendum on the content that the companies tend to put out. It is more a statement about the delivery method that the companies bought into with satellites. Still, as the first “cable” networks for radio, XM and Sirius have thrived content-wise with Opie and Anthony, Howard Stern, Ron and Fez, and others who all do uncensored talk. In addition XM and Sirius have channels that play songs and comedy unaltered for language like terrestrial radio has to play them.
I would like to think that the tightening of rules has actually pushed people to these alternative outlets over the years. So while I think that the reaction to this event was stupid, maybe we will look back at it one day as the catalyst that the U.S. needed to push the boundaries in different directions to places outside of the ridiculous realm of “indecency” that is created and monitored by a governmental group that has almost no checks and balances.
It may have taken more than 4 years, but there is some sense of justice in seeing these fines overturned.
John Adams Stinks, But I Watch It Anyway
Since I haven’t written much lately, here is a rambling unedited post that could have been a review on a better day.
Jen and I have been watching John Adams on HBO starring Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney, both of whom I like. But, for some reason, despite needing to watch every episode, I am generally unimpressed by this mini-series. It looks great. The history is interesting. I think the writing is over the top. I understand that John Adams was a lawyer, a thinker, and all that, but it still seems a bit much. It feels to me like it was written in a booze and drug-fueled orgy of Ken Burns and Aaron Sorkin. The perfect sentences and unbelievable conversations fly as if every pre-revolutionary person had a sense of perfect balance in dialog.
I guess I could have just stopped after saying it is unbelievable.
And still, with all that being said, I am drawn to watching it because I find the history so fascinating. Paul Giamatti does a good job when he isn’t over-acting and over-delivering the lines that have been written. Laura Linney’s performance feels the same.
The bottom line for me is that if I was in high school and I was watching this, it would be the greatest movie ever, primarily because I would be watching it in school. Because I am not in school, all I can say is that it is entertaining, and interesting, while mildly annoying in spots.
I guess the fact that it I am comparing it to Band of Brothers because they were both HBO historical dramas doesn’t help John Adams’ case either. Adams wants to be as good, moving and as important as Brothers, but there is just no way to pull it off. Maybe it is because we have so much more distance away from John Adams’ era in the historical timeline.
Then again, maybe it is just not as good.
Jimmy Kimmel’s Response to Sarah Silverman
Sarah Silverman did a video for Jimmy Kimmel for some anniversary show. Sarah is Jimmy’s girlfriend. She did a video called “I’m Fu**ing Matt Damon” which I thought was one of the funniest videos that I have ever seen. Well, Jimmy has a response video now that couldn’t possibly be more perfect and funny. Count the cameos at the end of the video if you dare.
Ready For Brock Lesnar?
This weekend I am going to a friend’s to watch the UFC featuring the debut of Brock Lesnar. Lesnar is a weird dude. He is ginormous. He was one of the most popular dudes in the WWE with Vince McMahon and company. He quit that to try to play pro football with the Minnesota Vikings. That didn’t work and the WWE wouldn’t take him back. As a result he went off to try his hand at MMA. Check out one of his early dominating performances in prep for the UFC matchup this weekend.
K-1 Dynamite USA: Brock Lesnar vs Min Soo Kim
Uploaded by Zed1982
Fergie’s Version of Live and Let Die Makes Me Angry
Thank goodness for Youtube, because I don’t know that I would have wanted to miss out on this enraging performance that Fergie did of a marginally classic song. She gives physical shoutouts to Axl Rose’s version of the song with Guns N’ Roses. But what I found most enraging about this is how she says “Ya know ya did” after that part where the lyrics say “you used to say live and let live.” Just wait for it. It happens twice during the verse. See how angry it makes you.
Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares
And then I saw a “reality” show that I really wanted to try out. “Kitchen Nightmares” is definitely a reality show and it definitely has its share of clichés, but I can’t stop watching this one. The premise of the show is simple. Gordon Ramsey goes out and visits struggling restaurants and he helps them to try and pull out of their mess. He attacks the problems from a business perspective, from a staffing perspective and also from the standpoint of the menu.
He chides owners who overstaff. He ostracizes staff who can’t work well together and communicate in the kitchen. He picks at wait staff that can’t help the kitchen by selling the pre-made specials. He smashes chefs who have overly complicated menus and frozen ingredients. Last but not least, he makes everyone work on improving cleanliness and cheesy decor wherever he goes.
The rules worth learning from Ramsey are this. Every restaurant must be spotless. Every restaurant needs to have a signature item or two. Every restaurant needs to game plan for certain busy nights by staggering guests and having some pre-made options to keep the pressure off the kitchen. That’s it.
The rest of the show is about Ramsey trying to negotiate with personalities that don’t want to listen to a guy who is obviously knowledgeable and successful. There were two episodes that dealt with Italian restaurants in Long Island and Jersey respectively. Those two shows were almost like an American guide to stereotypical people from those two regions. Ramsey finally convinced this one Guido kind of guy from Long Island that he had to work instead of just trying to be the best dressed host who could do lines from The Godfather.
Also, keep in mind that the show is gimmicky. The restaurants are always going to be able to pull off at least a partial reclamation because word gets out that the restaurant is going to be on TV and that the menu has been redesigned by Gordon Ramsey. But even giving that, the show is compelling. It is interesting to see people who are as bad at running a restaurant as some of the people who try out for American Idol are at singing. And just like those people on Idol, these restaurateurs think that they are going to be franchising every part of their failing businesses.
So, even if you swore off reality TV like I did, I think there might be some room for Kitchen Nightmares.
Seinfeld Calls Out Larry King for Being Unprepared
Jerry Seinfeld makes Larry King look dumber than even King makes himself look on a daily basis. Jerry is a funny guy as we all know, but now that he has a quadrigoogletrillionbajillion dollars, he isn’t afraid of anyone. He takes “Eff You Money” to a whole new level.
