The Effy’s - Worst Teen Princess
They are young. They are marketed as sex objects even if it should be illegal. They do stupid things. These are the girls who are role models for school aged girls around the world. School aged girls who long to be hype machine hookers.
The nominees for Worst Teen Princess are…
Lindsay Lohan - She went from innocent in Freaky Friday, to slightly bad in Mean Girls. Then middle aged men started looking for her naked body on the internet. All the while she was out having a good time, letting her boobs pop out of her overly revealing clothing. And now, worst of all she is going to slam us in the face with “music” that really is nothing more than a way for this industry-made princess to “move units” other than the dirty old men with overactive hands on their “mice.”
Hillary Duff - After getting tired of playing second fiddle to screen stealers like Frankie Muniz, Duff hit the bigtime. Lizzie McGuire is cute, but somehow has captured a much larger and older audience than it should as it is kiddy drivel. Also committed a crime against humanity by trying to be a bubble gum singer, has annoying photo ops with her less famous sister, and is like a less sincere, dumber Mandy Moore. I wonder how long it will take her to whore out like Christina Aguilera.
The Olsen Twins - These two also were victimized by the raging and somehow culturally acceptable pedophilia kick that this nation’s men have been on recently, counting down the days until these two Muppets would turn 18. Eating disorders and a Fraggle-like appearance make these two surefire nominees for the award alone, but New York Minute was the kicker. To think that they helped degrade Eugene Levy like this makes me want to hurl.
Brooke Hogan - Brooke Hogan is daughter of wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan and is attempting a career as a Britney Spears knockoff. She was paraded around by the balding culturally impotent man who once ran wild in professional wrestling and quite frankly, this is the most buzz about any one human being who hasn’t had a note of music heard anywhere of any importance.
*** and the winner is… ***
Lindsay Lohan by an overexposed bra strap.
Here is Lindsay with her acceptance speech.
“Oh my god. I can’t believe I won. I would first like to thank Tina Fey for reducing herself to the point of working with me. I would like to thank my dad for keeping me in the tabloids even when I had nothing to offer. I would like to thank my publicist who had me dressing in particularly revealing outfits to keep the sickos clicking away on the internet. Finally I would like to thank Molly Ringwald for showing me the path that I will eventually take on my short ride from fame to nothingness.”
That’s all we have from here… more Effy’s are coming your way.
The Effy’s - Dumbest Journalistic Moment
This is officially the first award of the Effy’s
Every year it is quite easy to fill this category. Either by sheer volume of newscasts or by sheer stupidity of the teleprompter puppet heads that are so pervasive on our news channels, we have many dumb moments in Journalism.
The Nominees are…
Dan Rather - This one is obvious. Rather used some memos, that we all are guessing that he secretly wanted to be true, in order to prove a story which hardly anyone refutes anyway. Bush was a crappy soldier. Umm. Well. Yeah. Duh. This just in, Rather is going to use fabricated memos to prove that Bush loves Jesus, has twins and is a white male who apparently failed his public speech course!
Bill O’Reilly - Bill O’Reilly is an arrogant annoying guy, but that alone is not good enough to get you an Effy. On the other hand, a sex scandal over phone calls with a fellow employee is salacious enough to get you on the list. Some of the steamier details of these phone calls included a loofa and some serious man touching while he talked to an ex-producer of the show. I guess that wasn’t a “no spin zone” and that wasn’t egg on his face.
Tom Brokaw - Although the end of the year was a triumphant retirement whirlwind tour across the network, there was a moment in which Brokaw could have been fined by the FCC. In a story where Brokaw’s stammering was quite prolific he accidentally said the word Bukkake which is certainly nothing that belongs in any new story unless it is about the Adult Video News awards. And no, the story had nothing to do with the map of Hawaii on anyone’s back.
Geraldo Rivera - Geraldo really didn’t do anything this year, but it JUST DOES NOT MATTER. He is a porn-stached zilch who does nothing but stain the earth that he inhabits. Did I mention that he has a porn-stache?
And the winner is…
Bill O’Reilly.
Now with an acceptance speech here is Bill O’Reilly.
“I would like to thank all those in the academy or whatever it is that votes for this award. I would like to thank my ex-producer and the check which I wrote to pay her off. I would like to thank Spanky the trouser snake, without whom I never would have been nominated. Finally, I would like to thank lawyers. Without them, I wouldn’t have an excuse to avoid talking about the controversy on my show. Last but not least, I would like to look toward the future because this award should be attainable every year. Whether I am suing Al Franken, being made an ass of at a book show, or putting “her ass” back in the word harass, I would like to think that I can pull it off every year. Like I did this year, by pulling it until it went off. Thanks!”
More awards to come here at the Effy’s. If you have any of your own please put them on your site and link back to this post.
The Effy’s - An “Awards” Ceremony
Over the next few weeks leading into the new year, I will be posting awards (of sorts) for people who are deserving of Effy’s this year. An Effy is a fake award-type-deal that I made up just a few seconds ago. Where does the name Effy come from? I have found that it can be a lot more fun to use the abbreviated form of the F-word. Instead of using that controversial word, I have taken to spelling it out as “eff” on my site quite frequently. Now, I have taken that word and turned it into an award. Or, I guess it would be an anti-award assuming that nobody wants to receive one.
What qualifies a person for an Effy? General boneheadedness is a reason for an Effy. For example, it could be a political bonehead. It could be a celebrity bonehead. It could be someone who is just in the public eye for whatever reason. It could be me. It could be you. Doing something that makes me dislike you qualifies you for an Effy. It could be a conceptual human like, “cheap diner waitress” or “sub-human with whom I interacted in Circuit City.” It could (and most definitely should) include those who are involved in sports. An Effy has many categories that are yet to be discovered.
The only rule is that you must have at least 3 nominees for every award. If you don’t have nominees, then it is just an excuse for bitching. We all know that we don’t need any more of those.
So, have fun with this. Do it on your own sites. Just make sure you attribute it to yours truly. Here come the effies.
Also, fake acceptance speeches from Effy Recipients will be fun but are not required.
So here is the format:
Award Title
Nominee 1 - Reason for being nominated.
Nominee 2 - Reason for being nominated.
Nominee 3 - Reason for being nominated.
Nominee X - Reason for being nominated.
The Winner - The reason for “winning”
(Optional but recommended - Fake Acceptance Speech)
Sideblog 
- FreeTheAirwaves.org Tuesday, 19 August 2008, 7:51 am
Google has a vested business interest in this project, but I am rooting for them anyway. Google wants to take that unused fuzzy space between TV channels and broadcast internet signals all over the. […] - Browns vs. Giants - Preseason Game 2 Live Blog at WFNY Monday, 18 August 2008, 4:19 pm
The nice guys over at Waiting for Next Year are going to be live-blogging their event in a chat room over at their site. I am a geek, and will be joining them. Come on over. - Dan Gilbert is My Hero Sunday, 10 August 2008, 5:46 am
Cleveland Cavaliers owner on all the LeBron James rumors, ”The reason this thing is where it’s at,” Gilbert said, ”is that we’ve got a bunch of bored, East Coast sports writers who have noth. […] - LeBron to Europe? I Don’t Think So Thursday, 7 August 2008, 4:22 am
So, while the major media continues to plot LeBron’s departure from Cleveland, there is a sane voice out there letting everyone know how unlikely the most outlandish scenarios truly are. - Top Gun 2???!?!?!??!?!? Wednesday, 23 July 2008, 5:50 am
According to reports, the plot outline is, (wait for it) “The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.” - Be Afraid Utah Tuesday, 22 July 2008, 7:26 am
Carlos Boozer is a snake and one of the most dishonorable people in professional sports history. I guess I am not over this just yet. - How much you wanna bet… Thursday, 3 July 2008, 9:18 pm
That this 4-day work week will actually increase the amount of gasoline that these employees will be using? Instead of commuting to work, they will now be going to the grocery store, going to do som. […] - In-Car DVD Players are Stupid Thursday, 26 June 2008, 10:15 am
At least they will be when we get a load of in-car wifi!!!!! (I am such a geek.) - George Carlin is Gone Monday, 23 June 2008, 4:34 am
I once bet a guy in college that I could watch a George Carlin special on HBO without laughing. I did it, but it wasn’t at all easy. There is going to be a void left by Carlin dying. - Accepted Behaviors Tend to Increase Thursday, 19 June 2008, 12:15 pm
If you become too accepting of a condition that you really don’t want to encourage, you might just end up with unintended consequences.
