War Has Been Declared
This weekend was Jen and my first wedding anniversary. October 28th was Sunday and we spent it at home hanging out watching football and relaxing. That is pretty typical for us.
I went to the grocery store in the morning to pick up some stuff. When I got back to unload the car, I noticed something in our driveway. Not quite believing that it was what I thought it was, I walked over for a better look. Sure enough, there was an unrolled, flattened condom sitting in my driveway. I don’t know where the rest of you live, but let’s just say that this isn’t a normal occurrence in my neighborhood. Except, that occasionally when the neighbor’s kids are around for a weekend (the parents are divorced and the dad doesn’t have them all the time) strange bits of contraband end up strewn about my driveway because the kid’s room overlooks it.
In the past, it was about 20 plastic tips from the end of cheap cigars. The kinds of cigars that tend to be hollowed out and filled with something else. A certain something else that I know I smelled one day when I was walking from my garage to the door to my house. It smelled like the Grateful Dead and Black Crowes were having a burnfest in the next door neighbor’s house.
Back to Sunday.
After two decent football games where both the Browns and Jen’s Colts won, I started making dinner. As we sat down to eat, we started hearing clicking from the area of our kitchen sink. I didn’t really know what it was, but we were eating our anniversary dinner, so I just assumed that maybe some of the pots and pans that I had used to cook dinner were settling in the kitchen sink or something. The clicking continued. We cleaned up from dinner and as I was finishing the dishes, Jen took the trash to the garage. When she got back she told me that there were over 20 coins sitting underneath the window that overlooks our kitchen sink.
This means that the neighbor’s kids were intentionally throwing change at our window to try and get some kind of reaction from me. It also means that they probably threw the unrolled condom on my driveway to try and piss me off or embarrass me. By this point it was about 9:00 PM on Sunday night and I didn’t really want to go talk to my neighbors about it, so we watched some TV and went to bed. I didn’t clean up any of the stuff from my driveway because I thought that by not cleaning it up I could send a message to those kids.
I am not sure what message I thought that was going to send.
So, I left the stuff in the driveway. I went to work on Monday and when I got home the condom was gone. And then I realized. The landscapers had been to our house and probably cleaned up the condom.
Now I am mad. I am mad at those kids. I am mad at myself for not just cleaning up the garbage. I am embarrassed that the landscapers found THAT in my driveway and felt compelled to clean it up. So just try me again you little stoner bitches. I will find a way to get revenge even if it is just telling on you to your dad.
The best idea I had was to make a sign, put it on a stick with some tape and somehow stick it to the outside of THEIR window saying something like, “Do you think you are funny?” How creepy would that be? You open the shades to throw more change at my house and there is a message to you stuck on the second floor window staring you in the face.
I am taking suggestions that are non-violent and won’t get me arrested. I will probably not take any of them, but I am sure you can come up with some funny ones.
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6 Responses to “War Has Been Declared”
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Having lived with pot smoking hill billy neighbors for the past 4 years I can tell you it gets worse before it gets better.
My advice is going to sound harsh, and irrational, but it worked for us. If ANYTHING is out of the ordinary call the police. Smell pot, call the police, hear clicking, call the police, find a condom on your driveway, call the police. Once the Police are dispatched to this house a few times, they’ll start getting completely sick of dealing with these people, and stop with the “warnings” and go right into citation mode. Chances are that if the parent of these kids receives a citation or has his house searched for suspicion of drugs these kids are going to get an ass beating, which will most likely deter any further crap they are planning.
BTW, This is karma coming back to get us for throwing beer cans at the father of a certain neighbor of mine while he was mowing the lawn…
2:00 am. 18-foot extension ladder. Duct Tape. Epoxy. Poster board. Magic marker. Caulk. Napalm?
Now I just want more details about the escapades with your neighbors Deezo.
Tell me some more.
The money — what about the money?
I left that sitting in the garden underneath the window too. There were even some nickels, quarters along with the pennies. There is nothing I hate worse than a rich rapscallion.
yea… i picked those up last night. hey man, i’m poor.
and I was thinking that there HAS to be some kind of trouble you got yourself into when you were just a wee Filter. karma is a bitch, and I fully expect my first home to be located next to an orphanage for homicidal children with Tourette’s and colicky.