Try These and I Can’t Be Held Responsible for What May Happen to You
Sometimes, people say cringe-worthy things. Sometimes, these cringe-worthy things will negate the entire viewpoint of a speaker, because it identifies them as mildly retarded. Sometimes these statements will negate anything you have to say ever again for the rest of time. It just depends on the level of cringe you induce. This is a list of things that you should never say to me in any conversation. Ever. You will lose an argument or me as your audience, by default. At minimum, you will get yourself ignored. You might give me no choice, and I might have to smash you unmercifully.
Here are the lines that are at the top of the list for me.
“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
First and foremost, this isn’t funny. It might have been funny the absolute first time someone said it. Not now. The fact that you are rhyming your response and failing your attempt at comedy will sink you. By saying something like this, you are not only ruining any point that you might have had, but you are erasing any legitimacy by piggybacking on someone else’s joke.
“…because it isn’t a sprint. It is a marathon.”
This comes from the files of sports cliches. This statement is done. It has been over for a while. Plus, maybe it isn’t a marathon. Maybe it is a series of sprints with some time in between? Maybe it is a new kind of race or game that nobody understands, like BASEketball or the Triple-Jump.
“You know, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.”
No, I don’t know. I didn’t read that stupid assed book. I really wish you hadn’t read it either, because then I wouldn’t have to listen to your smug tone that screams, “I read this book and now I feel like I have thoughts of my own for the very first time.” Shut up and express your own thoughts. I am sorry you misunderstood that day of class, but books are tools, they shouldn’t create them.
“We didn’t even elect him.”
This is the silliest of the anti-Bush chants. First of all, it is retarded, because the rules of the game have been pretty clear, that we have an electoral college, for a long time. On top of that, have you been paying attention for the last 4+ years? Your material is over 4 years old and there are plenty of things that are CURRENT, which can provide ammunition against George W. Bush. Update your cache of lines, dummy. If your line refers to the history book then it needs updating.
“I really need to cut down on my ‘Honey-Do’ list.”
This was in a commercial for Home Depot or Sears or some such thing. It was meant to be cute, because Honey-do is not a fruit, but it SOUNDS like the fruit. Get it? You know, so the whole thing is cute, AND funny. Except, wait, it isn’t funny. It doesn’t work in the commercial. It certainly doesn’t work a year or so after the commercial. How would you feel if I ran around without the slightest bit of irony, saying “Where’s the beef?” The lifespan on these things gets shorter and shorter folks. Let them die.
“(fill in the deity) created it that way for a reason.”
I won’t get into a debate with you on religion, but don’t tell me that thoroughly modern things like buildings, pens, roads, paper, computers, printers etc, were created by some Gahd in such a way for a reason. Also don’t tell me that he helped you win a sporting event, or get a new job, or find a girl. If and when you lose the job, girl, or big game, please curse him as well.
“What would you expect? (S)he is a lawyer!”
Ahh, let’s just paint everyone into the same corner. Lawyers have to be argumentative people who are experts on the law, right? They can’t possibly be any other way, can they? Stop it. Some lawyers do contracts for a living. Some chase ambulances. Some work in big corporations. Some are really stupid and don’t have as good a comprehension of the law as some other common non-law-school-graduated citizens. Don’t take away someone’s personality by plastering them with the late-night monologue punchline characteristics that should have become deceased with Johnny Carson.
“The only guarantees are death and taxes.”
This one may be true, but lets look at the point of saying something like this. Are you trying to be funny or is this being used to enlighten people? That’s what I thought. You are trying to be funny. Have you ever seen George Carlin do standup? Those old tapes of him in the 70’s doing airport humor are really funny. Have you seen an HBO special from him lately? How were those airport jokes? He didn’t tell those jokes, you say? He had all new material? New observations, and completely new takes on more current issues? It’s called originality, stupid. Look into it.
That is all I was able to think of for now.
Do you have any that just make you want to push someone down a flight of stairs?
deezo Said,
September 21, 2005 @ 1:42 pm
Well, it is a neccessary evil to have to (blank)! I heard that 300 times in a 2 hour meeting this morning and was ready to gouge out someones eyes with my thumb!!!
FilteringCraig Said,
September 21, 2005 @ 1:54 pm
Damn… I use the “necessary evil” line sometimes.
Most recently, I said that MySpace was a necessary evil, because it is so damn popular, but really not that convenient a tool to promote your band and get people to come to shows.
I will try not to use it anymore.
kiddicus maximus Said,
September 21, 2005 @ 5:49 pm
“if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”
oh really? so its better to be a turncoat simply because you might have to try? its better to give up whatever it was that you were fighting for in the first place and join the winning side so you don’t (gasp) lose?
“meat is murder”
yes, yes it is. just be glad i’m not eating you. and what about all those innocent plants you killed. huh? they have feelings too.
“i’m dancing to pay for college”
honey, you couldn’t spell college. shut up and take it off.
“affirmitive blacktion”
ha. get it? its like “action” but “black” is in front, because it helps black people. woooooo-doggie. coined (i think) in American History X, and now proliferated by the mass of ignorant rednecks who surround me.
Grant Said,
September 21, 2005 @ 7:08 pm
I think that you are missing the point of these quotes. Afterall, “A man’s gotta’ do, what a man’s gotta do”. Damn that pisses me off.
Mel Said,
September 21, 2005 @ 10:07 pm
“case of the Mondays”
Yes, I laughed at this line in Office Space — several times — that was BEFORE I ever worked in a half-ass cubicle environment… now, to hear it makes me cringe. And yes, people actually think they’re funny enough to use it.
When Nina says it - FUNNY!
When the FedEx guy does - time to go postal!
Now shut up and make me some coffee!
Justin Said,
September 23, 2005 @ 12:09 pm
I hate when people speak in cliches anyway. Even ones that aren’t wayyyyyy overused.
And most movie quotes. Unless they really fit the conversation, you’re being That Guy. Don’t do it, man. Don’t be that guy. (PCU)
ColombianKid Said,
September 25, 2005 @ 11:35 pm
The Flying Spaghetti Monster made these cliche quotes for a reason.