The Effy’s - Worst Teen Princess
They are young. They are marketed as sex objects even if it should be illegal. They do stupid things. These are the girls who are role models for school aged girls around the world. School aged girls who long to be hype machine hookers.
The nominees for Worst Teen Princess are…
Lindsay Lohan - She went from innocent in Freaky Friday, to slightly bad in Mean Girls. Then middle aged men started looking for her naked body on the internet. All the while she was out having a good time, letting her boobs pop out of her overly revealing clothing. And now, worst of all she is going to slam us in the face with “music” that really is nothing more than a way for this industry-made princess to “move units” other than the dirty old men with overactive hands on their “mice.”
Hillary Duff - After getting tired of playing second fiddle to screen stealers like Frankie Muniz, Duff hit the bigtime. Lizzie McGuire is cute, but somehow has captured a much larger and older audience than it should as it is kiddy drivel. Also committed a crime against humanity by trying to be a bubble gum singer, has annoying photo ops with her less famous sister, and is like a less sincere, dumber Mandy Moore. I wonder how long it will take her to whore out like Christina Aguilera.
The Olsen Twins - These two also were victimized by the raging and somehow culturally acceptable pedophilia kick that this nation’s men have been on recently, counting down the days until these two Muppets would turn 18. Eating disorders and a Fraggle-like appearance make these two surefire nominees for the award alone, but New York Minute was the kicker. To think that they helped degrade Eugene Levy like this makes me want to hurl.
Brooke Hogan - Brooke Hogan is daughter of wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan and is attempting a career as a Britney Spears knockoff. She was paraded around by the balding culturally impotent man who once ran wild in professional wrestling and quite frankly, this is the most buzz about any one human being who hasn’t had a note of music heard anywhere of any importance.
*** and the winner is… ***
Lindsay Lohan by an overexposed bra strap.
Here is Lindsay with her acceptance speech.
“Oh my god. I can’t believe I won. I would first like to thank Tina Fey for reducing herself to the point of working with me. I would like to thank my dad for keeping me in the tabloids even when I had nothing to offer. I would like to thank my publicist who had me dressing in particularly revealing outfits to keep the sickos clicking away on the internet. Finally I would like to thank Molly Ringwald for showing me the path that I will eventually take on my short ride from fame to nothingness.”
That’s all we have from here… more Effy’s are coming your way.
Comments
A dumber Mandy Moore. Whew that’s harsh dude
I’ve never even heard of Brooke Hogan. Ashlee Simpson
… er Ashlee Simpson yes, but maybe she’s “too old”.
Just to finish my sentence. You now realize I will have to google Brooke Hogan just to figure out who you’re talking about?
I found the Brooke hogan Unofficial Tribute Site - it being at the top of the google listings.
http://brookefan.sphosting.com/
How old is this person? According to the official site, she’s 5-10 and 16 years old. She seems older in a Winona Judd kind of way.
… And there’s two minutes of my life I won’t ever get back.
And yeah - the Olsen Twins “countdown” was and is disgusting.
Yeah, the whole Brooke Hogan thing amazes me. I posted a little joke about it and it drove traffic to my site almost immediately. Come to find out she really isn’t famous at all (yet?)
Seems a bit to Shlocky with her being Hulk’s daughter and all.
Brooke Hogan. Cheebus, help us.
1) The daughter of a retired fake wrestler. I realize that in a world where Arnold will be President of the US in a few years that makes her kinda famous, but it’s still awfully meta.
2) Lou Fucking Pearlman. Every time. I’m convinced that’s what all the rapid fire hurricanes were about this summer. If you want proof of The Lord’s fallibility, consider that Lou Pearlman is still alive. I guess the good news is that now we know the identity of at least one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
3) “The album stresses pop hits with strong musicality that highlight Brooke’s vocal ability and piano playing.” Is that why on the generic Imbrugliesque track that plays over her official website, there are no vocals or piano?
4) I have to go play some Rammstein.
A little Rammstein musical enema will cure it all away. Guaranteed to remove bubblegum.
I would like to know how much money the Hulkster spent on producers and recording studio time.
Hillary Duff is a much better role model than these other girls. She may not say very smart things but that may be because she is a TEENAGER. Let’s hope that there wasn’t a microphone around to capture some of our finer teenage moments. At least she still seems more virtuous than the hooker and the eating disorder twins. Besides, Craig, you know you liked the Hillary Duff movie.
I would like to put in a post-ceremony honorable mention for that fake-ass, coat-tailer Ashlee Simpson. If Brooke make the list, byGod, SNL’s musical gift to the world deserves a shout out.
I thought about Ashley, but I think she is 21. Otherwise she would totally be deserving.
Which Hilary Duff movie did I like again? I like some cheesy stuff, but I honestly don’t know which movie I liked her in. I watched The Princess Diaries with you, (which, I know is bad enough) but I definitely didn’t watch A Cinderella Story or The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
well, that can be fixed.
D’OH!
Hillary Duff is, by far, the sexiest of the 4. LL will be the first to whore herself out, if posing nude on the cover of ET wasn’t a good enough start. thanks to Deezo, i now know that she has a no-nudity clause with disney, but i give her 2-3 years before her disney contract busts and she’s gracing the pages of such fine magazines as hustler and club XXX.
The olsen twins are MAD hot in that anorexic i could break you if i had you in bed kind of way… but there is something sick about fantasizing about Michelle from full house. yuk.
Who’s Brooke Hogan? i read the previous post, but i’m still not too sure if she’s even a real celebrity candidate… I’m guessing half of the pop culture gurus in the world are unaware of her presence. Oh well. At least she didn’t win.
think there is any truth to the Lohan-boob-job story? check out awfulplasticsurgery.com and decide for yourself.
Future whoredom notwithstanding, Lindsay Lohan looks a lot like a young Ann-Margret and that’s OK with me.
The Lizzie Maguire Movie rocked. My only disappointment is that it is unlikely we’ll see a sequel (and are therefore unlikely to ever find out what REALLY happens between Lizzie and Gordo). How you can lump HD in the same category as those trampy fake anorexic breasts is beyond me.
If it is any consolation (and by the sound of it, it isn’t) Hilary Duff did not win.