FilteringCraig

I can’t believe this one slipped my mind.

I was at my parents’ home last week for my dad’s birthday. We watched the Browns lose to the Eagles, had some burgers and some birthday cake. Then I left.

I was about a mile down the road, when my brother calls me on my cell. He is still at the house. Apparently, some lady stopped by in her car asking for me. This is especially weird because I haven’t lived there for over three years and she happened to stop by when I was actually there. She went on to say to my brother, “We have reason to believe Craig is going to vote for John Kerry.”

No, really. That is what she said from her car in front of my parents house, inexplicably.

Who the hell is she? Who is this “we” that she was talking about? How did she have “reason to believe” assuming I don’t know who the eff she is? On top of all that, despite any voting decisions that I have or have not made this year, I am registered as a Republican. How did she get my address at my parents’ house? I wish I had been there to really figure out what was going on.

Anyway, the end of the story is that my brother effing hates people butting into politics. When he told the lady I wasn’t there, she said to him, “Ok, well how about you, who are you voting for?”

The wrong thing to say to my brother. No matter who she was, he was going to say the opposite and being fond of confrontation, the way that he is, he basically told her to go eff herself.

I hope it wasn’t someone that I know.

But, it still baffles me. And even moreso because it is a mystery that probably will never be solved.

No more. I will keep picking, but I don’t care anymore. I am like the Clippers, Cincy Bengals from the late 90’s and the Devil Rays all mixed together. My best player is Greg Vaughn, an aging Wade Boggs and Fred McGriff. I suck.

Packers (-1.5) @ Skins - Packers have not looked that good this year, and neither have the Skins. The Packers are all about Cheese and the Skins have an offensive name with a bunch of Hogs in Dresses. How in the world do you handicap the fans in this one? I think I am going to go with the cheese-heads this week.

Colts (-1) @ Chiefs - The Chiefs might finally be hitting their stride. This one has all the makings of a shootout. I am going with the streaking Chiefs in this case.

Giants (+6.5) @ Vikings - This game is made more interesting by the fact that Randy Moss might or might not play based on his hamstring injury. The Vikes are better, but are they better without Moss? I don’t know. I am going to assume he is playing. Vikings.

Panthers (+8.5) @ Seahawks- Panthers. I don’t know why, but Panthers.

Pats (-3) @ Steelers - How can you bet against the Pats? Ben Roethlisberger (with cheese?) will finally get a true test with a nasty defense. If the New England region could ever do me a favor, it would be this week, and hurting Ben. Richard Seymour and Tedy Bruschi have my permission to take out his effing legs. That is all I ask. Thanks.

“Ma’am can you please read column A row 3?”

Sitting in the waiting room at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles in Mayfield Heights Ohio, I was being pelted with individual pieces of the din that caught my ear’s attention until I started focusing on this one situation. A very old lady is sitting at the eye testing machine so she can renew her license. It appears that her daughter who was with her was about 60 years old and in my mind that put the old lady at about 80 years of age, give or take.

She couldn’t read the letters in the little goggle projection machine.

“OK, how about column B row 2?”

The lady spit out a couple letters to the satisfaction of the BMV employee administering the test.

“OK, now we are going to test your peripheral vision. Please tell me when you see the flashing light and where it is.”

For literally 10 minutes (I looked at my watch) this lady COULD NOT SEE THE BLINKING LIGHTS IN THE MACHINE. And like any good employee at the BMV, she kept at it. She kept saying to the old lady, “OK, how about now?” The lady would look in and say, “I don’t see anything.”

The people next to me are giggling a little bit, but I don’t find it funny. After a couple more minutes and with some additional coaching by the employee and the old lady’s daughter, the old lady was SOMEHOW able to identify the lights in the box. They took her picture and she was given a license.

I will tell you right now that I don’t think it is funny. Will it be funny when she can’t see the blinking lights (STOP LIGHTS) and mows down a blind man and his guide dog in a crosswalk? Will it be funny when she blows over a curb and takes out a couple of kids on their bikes or skateboards? Will it be funny when she rear ends a car with a mother driving with her child in the baby seat?

No, NO, and NO. Even though Deezo is laughing it will not be funny.

We don’t need to keep these people on the road despite what a pain in the neck it will become for their families. We don’t need to worry about their sense of independence. If they are physically unable to see the blinking lights and read the text within two seconds, then the reaction time needed to drive a vehicle on public streets is not good enough. I don’t want them operating something with over 100 horsepower in a situation where they can kill me by accident.

Oh, and is it really an accident anymore when something is totally forseeable by someone like me sitting in the waiting room while she struggles with her test?

Probably not.

I must admit that I am still massively tired and growing more depressed by the day about the possible outcomes of this election. The more I read and the more I listen, the worse it gets. At the same time, there is a part of me that has this feeling that there is a lot of grandstanding going on and just like every other instance that I have been alive to experience in American history, nothing extraordinary ever really happens. If you were ok before the election you will be ok after the election. If you were badly off before the election, you will be badly off after the election. Well, at least until you find a way to help yourself, that is. Anyway, this is all just a lot of hype. Mountains from molehills. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same with the exception of a couple of tax dollars.

So, what is it about this country? Do we have a complex of some sort? Are we incredibly self-important? Do we not see that none of it really matters all that much? We aren’t choosing between Mother Theresa and Hitler. We are choosing between scoring -5 points on a test and scoring -4.5 on another, yet we continue to consume our lives reading Andrew Sullivan, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Slate, and watching crappy cable news shows that Jon Stewart rightly skewers. All of these people we listen to, think they know what is best and we seem to value their opinions, but why?

What does the New York Times know about me or living in Lyndhurst Ohio? What does Andrew Sullivan know about being a slightly overweight straight man who lives within 20 minutes of where he was born? What do the pretentious folks at Slate know about anything other than their own hatred? And what does the Wall Street Journal know about me, seeing as I collect about .00000005% of my annual income from “corporate dividends?”

They all know nothing, but they think they know everything.

In terms of affecting me in the future, none of it really matters and the only way I could be better off on election day is one of two things. Either sell my vote (illegal as it may be) for $1,000,000 or if I were to just not wake up that day and sleep through the whole damn thing. Catch some zzzzzz’s while the world is creating hanging chads and other objectionable voting materials. The point is that the net benefit of one of the two of those events occurring ($1 mil or sleeping) will probably make more of a difference in my life (maybe just on predictability alone) than any one of the candidates will, in terms of doing what I think they will do and what they will actually be able to do.

So, I am done. I am still tired. I am going to do my best (probably unsuccessfully) to not let any of this stuff bother me or bog me down. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of people engaging me and even though I have argued with a great many of you, I am tired of everyone thinking they know everything.

I know that I don’t know shit.

Do you?

It stands to reason that if MisterCrunchy wants to be the NotCraig and pick the opposite of whatever I pick, that I am obligated to reciprocate. See, the only way I can truly beat him and knock him down is if I start picking games correctly, thus making him a loser every week. So, in obvious fashion, I have adopted the monicker NotChris, accepting that he will use me and make a fool of me if I keep picking more losers than winners. I suck. He doesn’t. I can determine my own fate, so, here goes (absolutely) nothing.

Jets (+6) at Pats - Uh oh. Two undefeated teams. What do I do? I think the Jets are very good, but the Pats defense is also very good. Bill BeliSUCK will surely have a plan for Curtis Martin. Can the Pats beat the Jets by the spread at home? I am probably wrong, but I am going to say yes. (Welcome to Jinxville, population YOU, Justin.)

Rams (-6) at Dolphins - I hate this game. The Dolphins are due to win sometime aren’t they? I pick the Dolphins at home. If you have Marc Bulger on your fantasy team, be sure to play him, now that I picked against the Rams.

Seahawks (-6.5) at Cardinals - My rules weren’t working, but I must retain this one. Never pick the cardinals or a team of that caliber. Seahawks.

Jags (+9) at Colts - The Jags are better than expected, but the Colts have the potential to blow anyone out in their dome. Coming off a bye week, Colts win.

Chargers (+3) at Panthers - San Diego. I am not sure why, but San Diego is the pick.

I watched ALCS game 6 last night. That was just a great game for baseball fans. Despite popular belief I am one of those first and foremost. There were people battling through injuries, umpire controversies, what appeared to be a white man with corn rows, the winning run coming to the plate in the ninth, angry fans throwing garbage on the field, police lining the field in riot gear. Did I mention that Bronson Arroyo had corn rows?

Anyway, it was a great game to watch. As much as I can’t root for either team seriously or exclusively, a game seven does seem appropriate in this series and by virtue of being the away team, I guess I will be secretly hoping to see the weeping of all those New York-centric little bronx babies as Derek Jeter and A-Rod walk off the field getting misty and trying to hold their little feelings until they get to the clubhouse, only to run into Enrique Wilson, who can’t hold his tears and then they have a huge circle jerk… errr, I mean group hug in order to comfort themselves over their horrendous loss in a series in which they were up 3 games to nothing.

But I digress…. here are some of my thoughts on last night’s game.

It is too bad that the call couldn’t have been right the first time, even though the umpire was pretty well blocked, but no true baseball fan, including Yankee fans can be upset about the call at first base. What A-Rod did was illegal and it had to be called that way with a run scoring on the play.

Where are all the people who criticized Cleveland fans for throwing bottles at a Browns game a couple years ago? Is it just automatically ok and understandable because it is Red Sox Yankees? They were throwing baseballs, as opposed to plastic bottles. And need I remind anyone why there is no souvenir bat day at Yankee Stadium any more?

Also, regardless of team loyalty, it is impossible not to be impressed by the physical accomplishments of Curt Schilling last night. The dude was going through ankle pain that probably hurt more than if it were just broken, and he pitched like a man for 7 innings.

Red Sox fans around the world have to hate Keith Foulke. Sure, he ended up getting out of it, but he had his hand cupped on your balls, and he could have squoze them at any time, ending your season and giving you some serious pain, and he kept throwing and people are walking and tying runs are on and winning runs are at the plate and the winning run moves to first base and Foulke is giggling as he threatens to crush your man-grapes and then finally he throws the pitch and ends the game and as he walks away with you still shivering at the thought of your berries being ok, he looks over his shoulder and says, “Just Kidding!” In other words, just save the game or don’t. You don’t have to make it all that interesting.

Trust me, I know how quickly a good closer like Keith Foulke can turn into Jose “Blow-Saves” Mesa. From dominant closer to World Series goat. Don’t let this happen to you Foulke.

Finally, knowing Red Sox fans the way I know them, they will say it doesn’t matter, and then give me a litany of reasons, statistics and excuses why I am wrong, but how badly could they use Nomar Garciaparra right now? I know the offense is fine and all, but that one extra bat might have really put them over the top, you know?

(Prediction… here comes Red Sox fans to talk about intangibles and how Nomah’s bad attitude wouldn’t have worked with this team and how they are better off without him. It was the same thing with Mo Vaughn even before he became a fatso loser. It was the same thing with Roger Clemens for a lot of Sox fans and you see how that one turned out.)

It sounds like Derek Lowe is going to pitch game seven for the Red Sox. If all goes well for him, we can watch him do a “suck it” gesture to the Yanks dugout. If all does not go well, I assume we will be watching knuckleballs from Tim Wakefield. No word yet on who is going for the Yankees except that I would be really surprised if it was Javier Vasquez.

During Jeopardy! on TV tonight there were 3 commercial breaks where literally 80-90% of all ads were for the election. I can’t deal with this anymore. This included one commercial break with five straight political ads. You people (who do not live in Ohio) have NO IDEA how many ads we are peppered with every single day. I can’t take it anymore. I think I will try to not watch any television that hasn’t been recorded on the digital video recorder. At least that way I can fast forward through this pervasive garbage.

It is too bad that you aren’t allowed to sell your vote on Ebay. I would still like to explore the options for getting paid because frankly, with all the money being spent on political ads, wouldn’t we (meaning “I”) be better off if that money was funneled into a fund and given to the citizens who have to watch all these manipulative ads on television? I would hope it would at least pay for a couple of beers during happy hour or something. Now wouldn’t that be great?

This beer was not approved by Kerry for president and Capri Cafaro but they paid for it. This order of mozzarella sticks is not sponsored by George W. Bush or Steve LaTourette but they paid for it. MMMMM. Beer and Mozzarella sticks.

I wonder what it would take to get this on the ballot as an issue. I can imagine it now.

Vote Yes on Issue 47 if you love beer and mozzarella sticks. Hell, vote yes on issue 47 if you love beer and wings or any other combination of things that you can buy at a bar. Just vote yes. Take back your television and get some free happy hour grub.

Maybe I should go into politics.

That might be the worst title for a post that I have ever created.

The reason I am writing today is because a lot of people, knowing my hatred for both the NY Yankees and the Boston Red Sox have wondered who I would root for in this ALCS matchup. Although it has been extremely cruel, my answer has been “I would root for a mid-air collision of the team planes.” Now, I have decided that, while funny, that answer is much too harsh and I don’t honestly wish for any of the players involved to perish. Who knows? Maybe when they are a little further over the hill and their prices come down, they might be able to play for the Indians. So, no death to the players.

I have decided who I will root for in the series. While I was sitting at El Rodeo mexican restaurant with my roommate Todd last night for a cheap and satisfying dinner that keeps on giving if you know what I mean, the solution to my problem with this series struck me.

Who do you root for when you despise both teams involved in a series? Well, you need to think about some of the reasons that you hate the teams.

Is it the players?

Partially. I mean Pedro Martinez is infuriating because he is not only good, but really incredibly arrogant. As far as Yankees go, I always thought Paul O’Neill was a crybaby and would have been called out for being one if he played anywhere else but New York.

Is it the stadiums?

Fenway park is NOT a great place to watch a game because of the comfort levels, or lack of comfort levels, and with an out-of-state driver’s license you need to be 30 years old to drink. Maybe that is the state’s fault, but I will blame Fenway. Plus it loads the stands from the front so every sum-bitch who wants a beer ends up walking in front of you all game long. Yankee Stadium is where they started throwing souvenir bats at Albert Belle in ‘96 or ‘97.

All these are good reasons to hate the two teams, but WAIT! Wait just one minute. Why do I hate these two teams more than any others in all of professional baseball? Why do I hate them more than the Marlins and Braves who beat the Indians in the World Series?

THE FANS! I hate the teams’ fans. (99.9% of them anyway.)

How do you root against the fans in a series like Red Sox vs. Yankees?

ALWAYS ROOT FOR THE AWAY TEAM

(Update: So, I guess that means Go Sox!?!?! They got it back to NY right?)

LOVEDRUG

This weekend I went to The Agora to see Lovedrug with my brother and sister. It was an opening slot for the band, so they only played 6 or 7 songs. I think Lovedrug really might be one of my new favorite bands though. The music is so beautiful and the live show was excellent. Michael Shepard, the singer, was about as perfect and accurate a lead singer onstage as I have ever seen. He went after every note that he hits on the album, and he never missed. Even when he changed the vocals around a little bit, it was different, but it wasn’t because he couldn’t hit the notes that he had written on the album. I would recommend anyone see this band live, any chance that can be had.

COHEED AND CAMBRIA

I went to see Coheed and Cambria last week, which was totally sold out. The show was pretty good. The band was tight, but the lead singer, Claudio Sanchez seemed a little sick or something. He, unlike Michael Shepard, was having trouble hitting his notes. It almost didn’t matter with the crowd of young high school and post high school kids screaming along with every word. A perfect encore of “In Keeping Secrets…” and “The Light and the Glass.” The latter is just an amazing song, and they rocked it out.

FLICKERSTICK

One of my real musical guilty pleasures was the VH1 show “Bands On the Run” from a couple years ago. This is where 4 bands were chosen to go across the country to compete trying to sell tickets, and merchandise and win battle of the bands. From that show, I discovered the band Flickerstick. Flickerstick is a pretty good band who had some great songs on their first album. “Execution by Christmas Lights” is especially good and they closed out a sold-out show at the Middle East in Boston with that song, once upon a time. The reason that I say any of this is because they have a new album coming out that I am actually looking forward to hearing.

THE BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE

Finally, this week on Thursday the 21st, The Beautiful Mistake is coming back to Cleveland to the Rhythm Room. The Beautiful Mistake has been one of the staples of my musical diet for a couple years now. Their live show has always been really great, but now 3/4 of the band has left and Josh Hagquist has kept the name (with the rest of the guys’ blessing apparently.) With a couple new members including some former members of Copeland, he is going to keep the old tunes alive and go forward. This Thursday will be the first time I will see them since the lineup change. Here’s hoping they continue to rock in their new form.

Ok, everyone. We know that I can’t pick an NFL game worth a damn. I am horrible. I have nothing. I should be put out of my misery. This week Deezo picked the games and entitled the week “Nuckin Futz” so that he could pick a bunch of games that nobody would watch. I don’t know if picking bad games gives a bad picker an advantage, but for my sake, let’s hope so.

49ers (+10) at Jets - Jets win and they are at home. If I don’t know, I am going to pick the home team. I think 10 points are an awful lot, but what the hell do I know? After last week, not a whole hell of a lot.

Broncos (-2) at Raiders - The Broncos should be able to beet the arthritic Raiders team even in a hostile Oakland stadium. The real bet should be whether or not Jerry Rice is going to cry on the sidelines.

Chiefs (-2) at Jags - Chiefs were underperforming. Jags were overperforming. Still, I don’t want to bet on the Chiefs on the road. But, I don’t want to bet against Priest Holmes and Tony Gonzalez. Hmm. Go with the road team in this case. Chiefs win.

Skins (+1) at Bears - Skins vs. Bears. Battle of the titans here. I am going to go with the Bears because Ditka could kick Joe Gibbs’ a$$. Plus Joe Gibbs is involved in auto racing, which promotes the mullet, which as we all know is just wrong. Bears win.

Chargers (+4.5) at Falcons - Hometeam and Michael Vick rules are in effect this week. I have to take the Falcons, I guess. Would it really surprise anyone if LaDainian Tomlinson ran all over the dome and won this one for the Chargers? It wouldn’t surprise me all that much, but maybe I am just a born loser.

Can we ban deezo from picking ever again? Or, maybe this is what I need to get back in the game? Eff it. I suck. Go Browns.