Bumper Stickers
“Don’t worry be happy!” because it doesn’t matter who you vote for in this upcoming election. “Bush/Cheney” or “Kerry/Edwards” because in the end, “Jesus Saves!” So, if you wouldn’t mind, please just “Hang up and drive” because regardless of the president, nuclear weapons should just “Rust in Peace.”
Now I know that you might “Rather be driving a golf ball” and I also know that “if this van is a rocking, don’t come a knocking” but if I could just steal a few more seconds of your precious time. Because I have always wondered “WWJD” if he knew your “Car Climbed Mount Washington” or that your kid “Was an honor student” at some random school somewhere. I mean, honestly, would Jesus, “Honk if you love Jesus!”??? Or would he pay no attention and just keep on “Fu-ken-gruven”? It might just be enough to make me think, “WOW!”
All these thoughts are enough to make a man “Fu*kinGonuts” but I will try to keep my head.
Although that head might explode if I find out that “My Karma Ran Over your Dogma” because, quite honestly, “I Brake for Animals.” Even if I didn’t, there is enough love to go around because “I (Heart) NY.”
November 3, 2004
There are many camps out there vying for success in November. I don’t know a single one of them who can guarantee victory. The “anyone but Bush” crowd is popular and is working hard, but they can’t guarantee victory. The Bush supporters are steadfast and ready to vote for their guy, but like their counterparts on the left, they cannot guarantee victory either.
You see, only I, and many of my growing numbers of compatriots can really guarantee victory.
That is because I am pulling for November 3, 2004. Which candidate, you ask? In the context of this conversation it doesn’t matter. Sure, I am going to vote on November 2, but what I am really pulling for is for this whole election to be over so I can stop thinking about conventions, politicians, celebrities pretending to be politicians, politicians pretending to be celebrities, extremists on both sides, Michael Moore, whether or not Mandy Moore is a republican or not, swift boats and the air national guard.
You see, there is no mileage in any of that stuff. It will have you pegged as an easily identifiable side in a “polarized” race. So, as a result, I am choosing to pull for November 3, 2004. I mean really. Who can argue with that? It is the only reasonable thing to hope for in this election. And it is the only cause running that can guarantee victory.
Clerks 2 – The Passion
Good news. Kevin Smith is working on a sequel to Clerks. This is especially good news for those of you who happened to hate Jersey Girl.
- “It’s about what happens when that lazy, 20-something malaise lasts into your 30s. Those dudes are kind of still mired, not in that same exact situation, but in a place where it’s time to actually grow up and do something more than just sit around and dissect pop culture and talk about sex,” Smith said during an interview at his Hollywood office. “It’s: What happened to these dudes?”
- The sequel — titled “The Passion of the Clerks” — is set to begin shooting in January. Miramax Films, which turned the original into a cult-hit after buying it at the Sundance Film Festival, plans to distribute the follow-up.
- “It’s funny, it’s very raw, insanely foul-mouthed. In many ways it’s the antithesis of ‘Jersey Girl,”‘ Smith said, referring to his recent PG-13 comedy with Ben Affleck as the widowed father of a little girl.
I am giggling already at the fact that he is going to call it The Passion of the Clerks. Filming starts in January, so I would hope to see it by the end of next summer, but you never know with movie scheduling.
I am just hoping for more jokes about Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
More New Songs
I finished some new songs a couple weeks ago, but had somewhat of a recording break-through so now you finally get to hear them. I threw them down real quick, but the vocals sound better than anything I have ever recorded before.
Untitled Song – This one is 3 minutes long and is by far the favorite when I play open mic nights.
Mental Taxes and Tariffs – This one is about 5 minutes long and is another that people like better than my first few songs. This is my personal favorite to play right now.
If you take the time to listen please let me know what you think. I want feedback even if it is to tell me I suck. Thanks.
By the way, this Wednesday at Scalper’s (Mayfield and Brainard) I will be playing around 10:30 or so. Come on out and ROCK!
Catching Up with Pics
I am going to apologize in advance for the picture below. I didn’t have any others to show and unfortunately Dawn and Eric’s little one looks like he belongs in a movie about children taken over by the devil. Trust me, he is much cuter in real life. Anyway, this pic is from the annual blogger bash at Eric and Dawn Olsen’s lovely abode. Eric is the mastermind behind BlogCritics.org. That was last weekend and it was a great time. I got a chance to talk to some really cool people and George Nemeth. (Just kidding George!!!) It was a lot of fun and Eric and Dawn rock.
This weekend I was in Chicago visiting and I happened to drive by the fountain from the opening credits of Married With Children. I don’t know the name of the fountain, but it was cool to see it. I had to grab my camera out of my bag as I was driving by and due to heavy traffic, I was able to execute a drive-by shooting (with my camera) of this landmark.
I need to start taking more pictures, because, folks, that’s all I got for ya.
Who Wants to Buy A Car?
DittoHeston is selling her car! She is a frequent visitor here, so if you would like to buy a Nissan Sentra very cheaply, please visit the link. Incidentally, the car is located in Chicago.
Vocabulary
Ok, I need some help today. I heard the word “disinvestment” and frankly it makes me want to scream. I looked it up and it is in the dictionary and it is a real word. I understand that it is a word, but I am thinking that “divestiture” is a better word that a whole hell of a lot of people use more frequently.
So I need to figure out the history of disinvestment. Was it created out of (poor) usage? Is it any different than “divestiture?”
I am thinking Jarataur will enjoy this assignment.
Thanks for all your help!
Solution for Olympic Basketball
I just finished watching the men’s Olympic basketball team stink it up against Lithuania. They lost by four points and honestly, I am not surprised anymore. In the international game you need to play a team passing game and you need to be deadly from outside. The team representing the United States doesn’t play defense well enough, doesn’t play enough like a team and certainly doesn’t shoot well enough from the outside.
I like players like Iverson, Richard Jefferson, Duane Wade, Carmelo, etc, but how did anyone expect a high flying, take it to the bucket type of team like this to do well in the Olympics? In unrelated news, how is it that Lamar Odom can be involved in a sporting event that is second only to a high school parking lot at 4:20 in terms of drug use notoriety? I know the ganga isn’t a performance enhancer unless the performance is eating pizza and reddening your eyes, but doesn’t the Olympic committee have something to say about this?
Anyway…
I read an article by Bill Simmons at some point saying that you can’t just throw a bunch of all-stars out on the court and expect them to bring home the gold because a bunch of great players don’t necessarily make a great team. I think he is 100% right. He suggested putting together a team of NBA players that could fulfill all the necessities of a cohesive team. I think that is a fine idea, but I have different ideas of what makes a great team in the Olympics.
Have you ever played video game basketball? I remember back in the day playing NBA Live (fill in the year) on Playstation and creating my own players. What were the attributes that you always gave your created players in that game to make them successful? You couldn’t make them as big as Shaq because frankly there is no wealth to be acquired playing post-up ball in video games. Yeah, it makes you feel like you are playing the game for real, but it doesn’t give you any discernible advantage.
Plus there is nothing worse than trying to play a video game like the actual sport it represents. Who plays hockey games with icing turned on? Who has ever used the “kneel” clock play in Madden? Don’t tell me you ran the triangle to take the shot clock down in video game hoops. Of course you didn’t do those things and you also never tried to make your computer-created players after the best players in the NBA. In video game basketball they had to have a couple niche abilities that allowed them to conquer the realism that the game gave to the real NBA players that were modeled.
Number one, you had to make them fast as hell so that they could get out on the break. The faster the better. They would be invaluable on defense because they could be all over the court and at the same time, they were so fast that on the break it was almost like you had an all-time cherry picker. Easy buckets baby. You don’t even need big jumpers. Layups are as good as dunks.
The other thing that you always did was make them supreme three point shooters. I am talking about the kind of three point shooting ability that would allow you to run around the entire offensive scheme, fake once, fade away and still drain 30-40% of those bad boys. I am talking about scoring points in threes the way Tony Danza did back in the days when he was a porno star in the 70’s.
These are also the skills and abilities that it takes to succeed in international ball. The 3 line has been moved in so that most high schoolers wouldn’t be intimidated. Also the speed thing is key because they call lots of fouls in the International game when you body up to guys and play typical hard-nosed NBA D. You can’t sit there and bang the way NBA players do all the time. You need to play with finesse and some serious lightning in your shorts to get around picks and run screens, etc. Not to mention the fact that you need to play good team defense. Sure it would be nice to have a bunch of huge guys in the paint, but getting a bunch of fast guys together who can get to spots on the court is much more important.
So here is my idea for the Olympic basketball team next year. I think we should go to retired players. We are going to have some active NBA players, but the rest should be chosen based on their ability to trump the International rules. So we should start with Tim Duncan who is a great team player, a good rebounder and tall enough to play with any center that the International community can push out there. Then fill in a couple more spots with guys who can pass. I am a Cavs fan, so I am going to say LeBron James, Brent Barry, and Luke Walton for rebounding, passing and general team play. Then the rest of the team is fast guys who can shoot the 3.
I want to see Craig Hodges out of retirement. I want to see Steve Kerr in the house. I want to see if I can get Mark Price to lace them up. Thunder Dan Majerle. Reggie Miller if he will play. Chuck and Wesley Person. Wes Person has been relatively worthless as an NBA player, but in the Olympics he would be the best possible option ever.
That smaller 3 point line will look like free throws to guys like this. Could this team lose? Could they?
I swear I would get flashbacks of having sore thumbs after playing too many games of NBA Live back in the day. It would be great. And on top of that, we would be champs again even if we didn’t have guys like Iverson, Richard Jefferson and and Melo to watch. This is about winning. If it weren’t just about that, then we could watch something else.
Top Ten Worst Rock Stars
The top ten worst rock stars? Many people are seemingly talking about this and frankly, I feel like I am in a pretty good position to do this as well or better than anyone. I know as much about annoying rock stars as I do about rock stars I like. I am not sure why it is, but I have always just accounted it for “keeping my enemies closer” or some such thing. Really, I think the answer is that I am a big dork who can’t get away from music news no matter who the subject.
Anyway, here is the list in no particular order.
Fred Durst should be on everyone’s list. What could possibly be the justification for not having him on your list? No, really. I want to know what it could possibly be. His fame qualifies him for the list and his stupidity (everything he says including bringing a “battle” type mentality to rock and roll, an affair with Britney, and some garbage with Eminem and Christina) puts him way up at the top.
Scott Stapp from Creed is way the hell up there too. I know Creed is broken up now, but this guy has got to be the biggest douche in the history of rock. Did anyone see him on Celebrity Poker? He was playing a couple high cards, like Ace King or something and didn’t understand how that could POSSIBLY lose when someone else had two pair with 10’s and 3’s or something like that. On top of that, Eddie Vedder gave him a career, which he pissed away when he decided to write prom songs. Oh and this conversation/argument is ridiculous. “He is Christian, oh wait, he’s not a Christian musician, oh wait, let’s discuss it on Behind the Music for way too freaking long.” Who cares? Leave something to the imagination. This guy is a candidate for drowning in a bowl of his own cereal by accident.
The Gallagher brothers from Oasis have to be on this list. They make great music, compare themselves to the Beatles, taunt each other and other bands in the media and have more than the occasional hissy-fit. Can anyone argue with this? These two have double homicide written all over each other except that they make each other rich.
Speaking of brothers, how about Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes. An awesome singer who takes way too many bong hits to even know what to do with Kate Hudson. Did he really do anything else to deserve to be on the dreaded worst rock stars list? Nope, but my jealousy over the fact that he got Kate Hudson is enough to put him on. Although on another list, like “Most Over-Achieving Stoner” I think he is right there at the top with Ricky Williams, Jerry Garcia and that guy I saw wandering in the middle of a 6-lane road in Detroit who somehow didn’t get plastered to the pavement by a speeding car.
Sully Erna from Godsmack, (cough: RIPOFF! Oh excuse me.) needs to be here too. He talks with his nasty Boston accent about how great it is to rock. This guy is a nightmare lyrically, which is made all the worse because he basically just ripped off Layne Staley of Alice in Chains, minus the gut-wrenching lyrics about drugs. That would be like saying, “I want to capture the feeling of being on the beach and I am going to bring that into my home.” Then you only take the bad stuff about the beach. So you take dead fish and hide them all over your house, put a bunch of sand down the crack of your swimming trunks, burn the ever loving hell out of your own skin, step on a lobster and drown yourself in the bathtub. Those things are to the beach, what Godsmack is to Alice in Chains. I feel very strongly about this.
The Darkness – Is it a joke? Are you serious? I don’t really care. You suck and I don’t like you.
I will also nominate Billy Joel for the list because he went downhill so quickly. He has now become fodder for stupid tabloid newspapers who want to talk about him running his car through a thicket every time he seemingly steps behind the wheel of an overpriced automobile. He gave us, Piano Man, Captain Jack, Innocent Man, Always a Woman to Me and many other great ones. Oh yeah and then he gave us We Didn’t Start the Fire, River of Dreams and Downeaster Alexa. I guess being rich wasn’t good for continued songwriting success.
I am going to put Lionel Richie on the list too. The same songwriting rules apply to Lionel that applied to Billy Joel. Oh, and put his daughter in the description because her resume reads “Professional Retarded Slut” and Lionel is a slam dunk for this list.
Is Sammy Hagar famous enough for this list? I sure think so, but he can thank Eddie Van Halen for it. The reason he makes this list are his solo efforts, “I can’t Drive 55″ and the infomercial-errific “Mas Tequila.” Someone should take him and Vince Neil out back and put a couple bullets in their heads for them. Aren’t they basically the same guy anyway?
Finally, I will include Meatloaf. He only has two albums, but he is on the list. He has to be on the list. He has made me cringe on more occasions than I can count by having “Love by the Dashboard Light” which I have given the subtitle (effing in a car, that has gone on so long that I can no longer stand to sit here and listen to it anymore.) Oh and by the way, did I mention that it is a popular Karaoke tune for people to sing horribly and off-key? It wouldn’t be a problem if I could just hate him, but then he goes and plays Robert Paulson in Fight Club and does a pretty good job opposite Ed Norton and Brad Pitt. This means that I can’t hate him completely and totally. This dichotomy is what puts him on the list for me.
So that rounds up the list of the 10 worst rock stars. Any that I missed?
This is What I am Talking About
This is why I hate the fact that some of these bands have joined this Vote for Change tour. You think I am being a jerk and overly sensitive because Death Cab for Cutie are playing on this tour? You think I am against free speech?
My point is that your political speech isn’t a problem for me unless it gets in the way of my being a fan of your music. I don’t necessarily think it is in good taste to preach from the stage in between songs. I also don’t think it is good to confuse your opinions on politics with the music that I love in the first place. It should be possible for those things to be mutually exclusive. Being a fan of the music should not force me to be involved with your politics, unless the two are actually intertwined and you have a political message in your lyrics.
Then at least I know what I am getting myself into.
But, the Vote for Change Tour, sponsored by MoveOn.org is killing me. Death Cab for Cutie are my favorite band right now by far. I have seen them 6 times in the last three years or so. I have purchased every one of their albums, as well as two compilations with single songs by the band.
So, despite the fact that I know what the Vote for Change tour is all about, I wanted to sign up to get updates on tickets and where exactly the band is playing. I knew those messages would come through and have political rhetoric. That is fine. But now I find out that it has put me on some master MoveOn.org list that emails me every bit of their stuff. Even the stuff unrelated to the bands on tour, which is all I really wanted and signed up for. I wanted to find out when and where Death Cab was playing and get on the list so maybe I could buy some tickets. I realized that I would get some Vote For Change type stuff and I am more than willing to read it all, but now I am being peppered with MoveOn.org Bush bashings that are completely unrelated to the tour what-so-ever.
I got this in my email.
- Subject:Important Meeting Wednesday to beat Bush in Ohio
- Dear MoveOn member,
- Last week, we launched Leave No Voter Behind, our huge, ambitious battleground-state plan to turn out over 400,000 new voters for Kerry. As you know, Ohio is one of the most important swing states in this election, and it could go either way. Together, we can win it for John Kerry. But it’s an “all hands on deck” situation, and we all need to help.
- On Wednesday, August 18th, we’re holding an urgent community meeting to discuss how folks here can play a key role. At the meeting, MoveOn staff will explain how we can turn out dozens of new voters in each of our neighborhoods, with help from new technology and folks in non-battleground states. Even if you’re not certain you can commit to being part of this program, please come – we’d love to share our plan with you and get your feedback. Here are the details:
- Leave No Voter Behind Kickoff Meeting
- Wednesday, August 18, 2004 7:00 pm
- Sheet Metal Workers Local 33 Union Hall
- 3666 Carnegie Ave
- Cleveland, Ohio 44115
This is not what I signed up for. I signed up for updates on the Vote for Change tour and now I have been locked into all the emails. I want to be a fan of the music and even when I am willing to bend a little and pay attention to the politics, I am plastered with a whole lot more than I bargained for. MoveOn.org is extreme and I honestly think they sometimes take it too far. Even when I agree with some of their points, I hate them. I realized they were helping with the tour, but I didn’t realize that I was about to be considered a full-fledged MoveOn clone.
This is why it is in poor taste for a band to get this heavy into a political situation. It’s not an honest conversation or a debate. It is a bait and switch. It makes it so the music and the politics, which are unrelated based on any dissection you choose, are no longer mutually exclusive. And even when I am willing to bend because I do love the music, they decide to reach out and snap me right in half.
