Your Christmas Letter

This is a call to all the people who insist on writing Christmas chronicles about what the family has been up to in the last year. Nobody cares. If you include a check, then people might feel like they should read what you have to say. If not, please refrain from sending them.

I can not divulge how I got a copy of this family Christmas letter, but it was requested that I read it and I couldn’t help but add my own comments. So read this and enjoy, but beware. If you send me something like this, I won’t be so lenient if I know you. My comments are in parentheses (bolded and italicized). Names have been changed to protect the not-so innocent.

–letter begins–
Although I�d love to call personally to get your updates and share ours, I realize that schedules to not always match so here is my best effort to bring you up to speed!! (I would rather field 2000 calls from telemarketers than talk to you on the phone so thank goodness for computers and printers.) I�m feeling officially old as I find myself asking �where has this year gone??!!� Echoes of my grandparents are ringing! Here is what 2003 brought us:

Jocelyn turned 8 May 20 and is loving 3 rd grade. She�s still a cheerleader and softball player, planning to take dance in Jan. Jocelyn would try any sport she could and most likely excel. She is truly a natural student and sportswoman. (Are you fucking kidding me?) She loves accelerated reading/math and science and is getting into cursive and multiplication. (Start filling out the application to Harvard you over-reacting bitch.) Truly enjoys any forming of writing stories, reports and the like. (At 8 years old I am sure they are worth mentioning in this pile of bullshit.) Jocelyn has been writing skits to perform with her sisters so we have endless drama in the house. Horseback riding is a big favorite� she�d most likely be happy living in a barn! (WOW she must like horses a lot! Blech!) I am just thrilled to see what a kind young lady she is becoming and I enjoy so much having real conversations with her. She is a wonderful person. (You wouldn’t know a real conversation if it crawled out of your ass and slapped you in the face. I think I just thought of a Christmas gift for you.)

Donna turned 6 Nov 8 and is in 1st. She started cheerleading and little league this year and enjoyed both. Also took swim lessons and is a natural fish like her big sister � she made great use of our pool during the summer. (”Did I mention that we are rich? Do you have a pool?”) Dons loves anything to do with arts and crafts. She is forever making me loving gifts, cards, etc and is such an affectionate little lady. (I can’t wait until she is 13 and turns on you.) Dons now enjoys riding horses more and has no fear. She has a heart as big as Texas and gold as the sun. (You should work for fucking Hallmark.)

Christine will be 4 Christmas Eve. She is such a big help with my garden, cooking and baking. I have never heard a kid say �I love you mommy� as often as this sweetie. (Complimenting yourself through your children is depsicable.) Grandpa Dawson had a 27-year-old champion mare given to him so Chris has been learning to ride on a wonderfully trained gentle horse. She adores �Lady� (which was my horses name!!) and all 3 girls want to show eventually. (”Did I mention we are rich?”) She attends preschool twice a week and is a favorite of kids and teachers at the girls� school when we visit. Sort of like a mascot, I imagine! (”My kids are even special in insignificant roles!”)

She and her sisters will begin dance after the first of the year. They love doing plays, puppet shows and dancing for us!! Lots of drama, drama, drama with all these women in the house! (I am sure the man of the house has tasted the cold steel of the tip of his gun.) (Family game night is also a favorite with all three girls.) The biggest compliment I get from school, neighbors, friends is being told the girls are �kind�, �considerate�, �have good manners�, and the like. That is all I can hope for! (I can hope for an auto wreck on the way to Christmas this year.)

Jeff remains with XYZ Trucking as head diesel mechanic. His big project 2003 was getting the basement remodeled into a suitable play area/rec room/MAN CAVE. (Hehehe she said Man Cave.) The girls use it to entertain their friends, make forts and have dance parties. He did a beautiful job. (The girls play in the man cave? hehehe) Continues working on his golf game in West Virginia when visiting my family � hitting the ball on ground that is not level is harder than it looks!!! (So he sucks.) He is looking forward to trucking around the country some this month which is always the busy time for XYZ, since they contract to haul for a lot of companies. (It also gets him the fuck out of the house where you live for a while.) Crops and the beef cattle at his folks farm still keep him busy.

Gloria I am even more active in the PTA and headed the warm kids project again this year, distributing winter wear to kids. I work in the girls� classrooms at least twice weekly and was asked to do a school-wide �Say No to Drugs� assembly. (The girls will never live this one down.) It was very powerful as I had many kids approach me afterward to share their life experiences. God has put me in the right place by giving me the freedom to be able to work with so many kids. I have since been asked to do the same in-service for other schools in our system. (Aren’t you just a special little helper. I am sure the other parents hate you. Your kids will pay the price eventually. Congrats.) I am also serving on a building improvement committee, parental involvement committee, along with being a �head check� specialist for monthly lice checks. No glory there! (If there is no glory then keep it to yourself.)

Our family was very busy with trips this year: Jeff and I enjoyed a trip to Chicago and had great fun. The subway was very cheap entertainment, except the part where I gave Mike�s leftover pizza away to a hungry-looking disheveled man! (The disheveled man probably hated you with your self-righteous “nobility.”) We have a trip to San Diego planned for Feb �04. Our family went to Hershey and Gettysbury; spent the 4th of july at Lake Michigan (the girls even rode the firetruck in the town parade!!) (I pray for a tragic accident with a clown car or a tuba player, but it never happens.) And then took our first family trip to FLA in November. It was the first flight for both Christine and Donna and they had a blast!! Other passengers even commented how well-behaved our kids were! (This is completely unnecessary. Aren’t they supposed to behave themselves?) Enjoyed their first ocean frolic too!! We were even able to see a dolphin and manatees in the wild which was a treat. (”Did I mention that we are worldly and in touch with nature?”) I severely sprained my foot 3 days before we left MI so I spent the trip in a walking cast � we sure got good parking spaces!! (Failed humor attempt) I�d rather be somewhat handicapped in warm Florida than fit-as-a-fiddle in Michigan! (Fit as a fiddle? Who talks like that?) The girls and I thought it was �way cool� to be able to SWIM in November! (I bet it was “way cool.” Or maybe groovy?)

I was also tickled to catch up with a friend with whom I grew up. He and I were neighbors for many years growing up and we hadn�t seen each other in nearly 20 years. I got in touch with him last year after I decided that rather than wonder what happened to folks with whom I�d lost touch, I�d actually do something about it! (”Somehow I fit it into my busy schedule checking kids heads for lice!”) I�ve been able to reconnect with several long-lost folks � it is truly as if time has stood still. If you have someone about whom you wonder, find them and just call!! It is a wonderful feeling!! (I wouldn’t take your advice if I was drowning in quicksand and you pointed to a rope.)

Again, we find ourselves blessed with good health, a beautiful family, a new church, precious friendships and I�m considering spending Christmas day serving food at the local mission. What better way to share the pure magic of this most blessed season??? (”What would Jesus do? That’s what I ask myself every single day.”) So many have so much less than we. I think of our troops, those struggling with illness, or simply those who are along and thank God for all we have. (Like Miss America you pull the “world peace” card? Stop it now.) If you are ever in our area, please let us know!! Please keep in touch. We are grateful for the blessing of your presence in our lives!! Being DEAR doesn�t have to mean being NEAR!! All the best to you in 2004!!

–and scene–

If this ending could be any more trite I would pay you money. I feel sorry for your family.

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