Trick, Treating, or Raking
This Halloween I decided to forfeit the social appearances on this Friday night in favor of the soothing sounds of rock that can be had in my basement with my guitar. And combined with my friend Todd with his “Axe of the Rock Ancients” it can be an unstoppable sonic wall of rock fury, which will fill the increasingly empty and rock-less air that is so pervasive in this culturally desolate suburbia.
Before all that though, I am planning on bribing little bastards so that they don’t do anything to my house. In all honesty, I have been brainstorming for a while on how I can parlay candy into getting the little buggers to nonchalantly grab a rake and help me with my leaves. What do you think the chances are that this plan will work? What are the chances that I am going to get killed by a pissed off parent?
So, then I was thinking, well I will just do some cookout and sit around while the kids are whoring around for two hours in their outfits and give them candy. I have candy and I will certainly give it all out, but how can I make it more fun? How can I pass the time during trick-or-treat hours from 6 pm to 8 pm (eastern standard time.) I thought maybe I would use my digital camera and just take some pictures and stuff. The red flag immediately went up, (thankfully) suggesting that maybe it wasn’t such a hot idea to take pictures of other people’s kids and maybe I would get myself attacked doing that. Perv, I am not, so camera stays away.
I could sit and watch TV getting up occasionally for the door, but that is pretty boring. I (and probably you) wish I had a punch line for this story, but I am really looking for suggestions as to what I can do to pass the two hours while I am being continually interrupted by little ghouls, ghosts, and other commercially branded cartoon characters who have taken over the minds (if not souls) of our kids.
That’s all I have. Any ideas?
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Zach and I used to pass the time by giving out random fun things to kids we didn’t like. I remember one time when this kid….lets just call him Saul Phimelonis came to our door when we were in like 11th grade and he was trick or treating. Realizing how odd it was for him to be T or T’ing (damn that sounds sort of hot) we decided to reward his efforts with a 12 oz can of Bush’s Baked Beans. This provided hours of fun as a group of three would show up and 2 would get sweet Baby ruth or snickers bars and the other would get and apple or an orange. That halloween kicked ass. Making kids feel inferior to their peers is such great fun!!!
If that fails use my rule of thumb for events I dont like but have to be at: When in doubt of how to make something fun, drink heavily!
Like a whores bank account in Salt Lake, Immm ouuuttttt
Saul Phimelonis… it sounds like someone we may have given the nickname of “shrivel-up-and-die-alone-iss” to. T and t’ing in 11th grade is just sad. Just don’t do it.
While the name sounds cumbersome, you would be surprised how well you can get that insult to roll off of your tongue.
1) Buy only candy with green, red, or yellow wrappers.
2) Distribute on lawn.
3) Make rakes available.
4) Put up “Pick Your Own Candy” signs near rakes.
Craig… I’ll pick up the razor blades and rat poison on my way home.
That was simply ghoulish (and funny.) If you don’t go to hell first, you will certainly end up in jail. I am going to do my best not to go with you.
I’ve talked to William Green. He’s going to drive on over and start his community serivce hours early by handing out candy at your place.
yeah, back when willie (he lets me call him willie) was at Boston College and I was at Boston U, we used to spend many nights hanging out not drinking, driving on flat tires and especially not smoking pot together. I am sure he is innocent of all charges. Godspeed.
By the way, Todd are you prepared to weild the “axe of the rock ancients” as I have so dubbed your guitar?
Dear Craig,
By your use of the phrase “axe of the rock ancients”, it’s obvious that you just need a hooker. I’ve been doing some research and here are some fine firms in the Greater Cleveland area.
http://www.eros-ohio.com/sections/escort.htm
http://www.yes-girls.com/openclev.html
Good luck,
Battles
Unfortunately, the night proved unweilding to the axe of the ancients, or whatever you called it. I did have a rockin’ good time, though, with your axe.
I love Minus the Bear.
For the record my axe that Todd is talking about is an Ovation acoustic electric guitar. Just so nobody is even remotely confused. Thanks Alex for the tips.
Whoa. I’m confused.
With friends like Deezo, it is pretty normal to think at the lowest possible level with everything. Although we were clearly speaking about music, I am sure someone (deezo) would have made a comment about someone else “playing” with my “axe.” So, I thought I would unleash a pre-emptive strike on Deezo. Incidentally, I owe him $10.