Trick, Treating, or Raking
This Halloween I decided to forfeit the social appearances on this Friday night in favor of the soothing sounds of rock that can be had in my basement with my guitar. And combined with my friend Todd with his “Axe of the Rock Ancients” it can be an unstoppable sonic wall of rock fury, which will fill the increasingly empty and rock-less air that is so pervasive in this culturally desolate suburbia.
Before all that though, I am planning on bribing little bastards so that they don’t do anything to my house. In all honesty, I have been brainstorming for a while on how I can parlay candy into getting the little buggers to nonchalantly grab a rake and help me with my leaves. What do you think the chances are that this plan will work? What are the chances that I am going to get killed by a pissed off parent?
So, then I was thinking, well I will just do some cookout and sit around while the kids are whoring around for two hours in their outfits and give them candy. I have candy and I will certainly give it all out, but how can I make it more fun? How can I pass the time during trick-or-treat hours from 6 pm to 8 pm (eastern standard time.) I thought maybe I would use my digital camera and just take some pictures and stuff. The red flag immediately went up, (thankfully) suggesting that maybe it wasn’t such a hot idea to take pictures of other people’s kids and maybe I would get myself attacked doing that. Perv, I am not, so camera stays away.
I could sit and watch TV getting up occasionally for the door, but that is pretty boring. I (and probably you) wish I had a punch line for this story, but I am really looking for suggestions as to what I can do to pass the two hours while I am being continually interrupted by little ghouls, ghosts, and other commercially branded cartoon characters who have taken over the minds (if not souls) of our kids.
That’s all I have. Any ideas?
The James Era Begins
I can’t believe how great Lebron James’ debut was last night. Honestly, I understand that the Cavs lost, but I haven’t seen them play with the intensity and heart that they played with last night against one of the NBA’s best teams. Lebron’s final line was 25 points, 9 assists, 6 rebounds, 4 steals and 2 turnovers. He was 12-20 from the field (including a half-court heave at the end of the third quarter.)
All those things said, I am not ready to call it a complete success yet. It was one game in which the Cavs didn’t even win. Lebron played 42 minutes. He won’t be able to play that many minutes all year long coming straight from high school. It is an 82 game schedule and kids always start to wear down during the season. If Lebron is consistent this year, I will be shocked.
Also, the hyping of Lebron during the game made me want to puke. Dan Majerle and Sean Elliott were worse than Bob Costas is with Michael Jordan. Worse than FOX announcers with Derek Freaking Jeter. The Sacramento Kings are a great team with more than a few great players and we heard hardly anything about Peja, Bibby and Bobby Jackson who shot jumpers from all over the building last night. So, to the people outside of Cleveland who have to see this horrendously overdone coverage I apologize.
So, I am optimistic right now. I think we could see some cool things this year. The team should start to get better as Paul Silas gets them going on the same page. JR Bremer looks to be an interesting pickup. Ricky Davis can be great if he stays focused. Lebron looks to have a mature court vision and attitude that the rookies of this league have never shown. I know it is early, but the way he controlled that team last night was fun for me to watch. He was aggressive with the ball and also aggressive sharing the ball with his team mates. The Cavs appear to be back on the right track.
Carmelo who?
Death Cab Pictures
Ok, I am glad the bet turned into something really bad from something light-hearted and fun!
Speaking of light-hearted and fun, I went to Pittsburgh (small market 
) to see Death Cab for Cutie with my friend Todd. It was a lot of driving for one show, but worth every second. The band was having a lot of fun with the mostly lethargic crowd. I don’t think I have ever heard such a quiet crowd. They seemed to love the show, but they fell silent after mild applause after every song. It was actually kind of interesting because it turned into a bit of a “storytellers” type of a show where the band really had some fun talking and goofing around on stage.
Justin’s Post: Let the Flame War Begin
(Just to be clear this is Justin’s post unedited by me)
I didn’t have anything in mind when Craig proposed this wager, so when the Patriots (Go Pats!) did win, I didn’t have anything prepared. But I brainstormed for a short while and came up with my biggest beefs with the Cleveland sports scene and fans. If you disagree with me, please direct your complaints to Craig. It is, after all, his website. And he has told me, in confidence, that he agrees with everything I say. Always. Also, that he loves the Red Sox.
Twelve Things Wrong with Cleveland Sports
-You guys know you don’t have to boo every pick-off attempt, right?
-The Browns wear orange uniforms. That’s all I really have to say.
-Carmelo Anthony has more talent. LeBron James has more hype. Why am I not surprised that the Cavs went with hype over skill?
-What kind of sad statement is it about the level of interest of your fan base when the Indians owners – to keep a pathetic, falsely-inflated sell-out streak going – buy the remaining tickets to their home games *from themselves* just so they can say they sold them? And because they think that fans will stop coming if the sell-out streak is broken? A streak of showing up shouldn’t be why people come to Jacobs Field. It should be to boo pick-off attempts, of course.
-You guys also know that you don’t have to boo every pitch that’s so much as an inch inside, right? (Must be because anyone throwing inside is a headhunter!)
-Dressing up like a bulldog doesn’t make you a good football fan. When your team is named the Browns and not the Bulldogs, it makes you an idiot.
-If there’s one thing you can say about the Cleveland fans: they’re for unity. Collectively, they all walked out on the Indians at the same time. You’ve stricken a blow for togetherness, folks. Well done.
-When the only team in your city’s history that people have regularly and consistently supported ups and moves out of town, it’s not just some owner being a bastard. It’s time to reevaluate your status as a big time sports city.
-No one will take you seriously when Drew Carey is the de facto public relations guy for all of your teams.
-Just because people stopped showing up for games doesn’t mean the Indians get to cry foul and play the “small market” card. Was it a small market when they were leading the American League in attendance? (Indians were either first or second in the AL in attendance from 1995-2001). That’s not a small market. That’s crappy fans.
-Maybe if they build a shiny new stadium for the Indians again, people will come to some games? Maybe not.
-When you guys exorcise the ghosts of Edgar Renteria and John Elway, then you can come taunt me about 1918.
That’s all I’ve got. Let’s go Red Sox/Celtics/Pats!
(End Justin’s transmission)
Unfiltered With a Mullet
I bet you people who visit all the time have just been DYING to see your wonderful host in a mullet. Well, WAIT NO MORE. I have a picture of yours truly dressed as a cowboy for a halloween party this past weekend, and YES, I have a mullet (and a few too many drinks with very little other than alcohol). Like all your favorite whitesnake, nelson, rush, warrant and scorpions fans, I too can sport the most transcendental of all haircuts (at least since the rat-tail.) Little did you know you could buy the fashion statement from your local costume shop in order for maximum comedic effect. Nobody has rocked a mullet as well as I did this weekend, seriously, since Billy Ray Cyrus.
Apologies to my sister and brother-in-law for having to share “mullet space” with me. And yes, that is fringe on the vest I am wearing, mostly made of plastic and also from the costume shop.
Things I Learned 10/27/2003
Things I learned this weekend:
1. Your personal enlightenment in the basics of worldly matters is directly correlated with my ability to like you.
2. $40 is a lot of money and I expect something good in exchange for that amount of money to go to a party.
3. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can resist a mullet wig. Don’t even try.
4. Heavy appetizers aren’t really appetizers at all. They are regular meals that have been chopped and cut into appetizer-sized portions.
5. Pop stars are all very diminutive.
6. If you are a famed pop singer from the 80’s it is possible that you will have the title of your hit song spray painted on the back of your tiny little jean jacket along with a quarter pound of glitter. Rock is dead.
7. The band Kiss sucks, but old guys dressed up like Gene Simmons are cool. It is odd because you would assume if the original sucked then the imitation would also suck, but it doesn’t.
8. A dollar to the bartender will get you a glass full of rum with a splash of Coke. All you have to do is ask nicely.
9. Wearing stilts when you know you are going to be drinking may yield tragic results unless of course it is not I who is on the stilts. Then it is just hilarious.
10. Despite fun with props, my sister has actually never been to Independence, Ohio.
11. Malfunction of your props at a Halloween party might fool people into thinking you are one of the waiters.
12. Bono can be really annoying if you take a 30 second sample of him and force me to watch it 3 times consecutively before figuring out what is going on with the movie.
13. A scythe can be had for relatively little money, but the fun you can have for $60 is just endless if and when the zombies start taking over the world.
14. Sometimes hitting a priest over the head with a bag could be funny, and other times it could scare you half to death.
15. Movies are almost always better when you know basically nothing about them ahead of time. Think of this the next time you read the back of a movie case at Bl0ckBu$ter.
16. A bunch of random events during the weekend make a better post than any stupid list of five questions on a given Friday.
This Sunday’s Grudge Match
I may have screwed up the NFL game with Justin last week, but this week it comes to the top of the crescendo anyway. The Patriots headed by Cleveland flunky Bill Belichek are hosting the nationally beloved Cleveland Browns in a football game. For my representative New England opponent Justin and ME, it is the Super Bowl. It is the grudge match.
We have placed a bet on this game. What amount of money could possibly represent the level of competition that will undoubtedly be reached on this fateful Sunday when the Browns go into New England and make the Pat-My-Ass-Riots their veritable bitches? That’s right. No amount of money could possibly do this one justice. Or, Justin and I are just incredibly cheap bastards, err… I mean, NO AMOUNT OF MONEY CAN DO IT JUSTICE!!!
Now, it is true that the Browns have had their struggles this year as they did in fact lose to the Bengals. This can’t be denied unless I was to cop out and say the week never existed like a certain webmaster, who shall remain nameless (Justin), did after week 1. No the week was dark, but it happened. Living in denial is just a way to allow history to repeat itself, which is why the Browns will be victorious this week in the land where they have no idea how to pronounce Worcester properly.
So, what is on the line for this monetarily indescribable grudge match?
An unedited guest post on the other’s webpage on Tuesday of next week
Say anything you want as long as it doesn’t include nasty things about popstars and their escapades into interesting positions in the bedroom because that would unfairly drive the wrong type of traffic to the other’s site. In other words, when I win this week, I will use my space on Justin’s site to talk about the good old northeast in any manner I choose. Or maybe I will direct some trash talk directly to the proprietor of the site that will be forced to give up the space when my team wins.
I will win…. I mean the BROWNS will win this weekend making my victory speech possible.
ROCK!
Halloween: an exercise in torture
As I head into this weekend with my plan of going to the Halloween party at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Saturday night, I am going to make this personal and try and explain to everyone why I don’t like Halloween. It’s been so long since I have hated it that I almost can’t remember why I hate it anymore.
I can remember in high school when some kids just couldn’t give up the tradition of dressing up, I would be embarrassed for them. I mean really. Give it up. When you are 15 you are too damn old to dress up and do the candy snatch like the little ones. I remember when my sister came to the age where my dad thought she was too old to dress up and collect candy and my sister wanted to keep doing it and have a good time with it. I remember the fight and I remember thinking, “What in the world are they arguing about? Can I be too old to dress up now too?”
My memories of trick-or-treating through my (more-rural-than-most) suburban neighborhood are not the happiest ones. I am sure we had fun, but those aren’t the memories I keep closest to the front of my brain. I think I have always hated dressing up. I remember the one time I dressed like a ghost in an outfit that my mom made for me. It was really pretty good. It consisted of a sheet and then a special second sheet for me to wear over my head. (No, I didn’t look like a member of the Klan.)
So, I started getting unbelievably uncomfortable with the thing on my head as the various child-like facial juices collected on the edges of the mouth and nose holes. So I just stopped wearing it. We (my dad, my brother and I) go up to this one house and this old lady comes out and I don’t remember what my brother was dressed as, but as she looked at me, in her voice, that sounded about as wrinkled as her face appeared, she said to me, “What are you, a choir boy?” I remember being too polite to say anything, but I am sure I had the disgusted look of disapproval on my face. You know the one that is a combination of, I am not very happy right now, oh wait, what’s that smell?
On top of my rage against costumes, I remember not really caring about the candy so much. There were lots and lots of places with long driveways. We would walk around “the block” which was really a two-mile loop of a suburban neighborhood street. My adolescent legs freezing cold and tired in the bitter Cleveland October night. I wouldn’t have been able to verbalize it at the time, but the conclusion that I had as a kid was that the marginal benefit of getting a few pieces of candy by making an ass out of myself in an uncomfortable costume was much too little to make this exercise in torture worth the trouble. I mean I remember a couple years toward the end that I gave a portion of the remaining candy to my brother anyway.
So, at some point these experiences developed into a pure hatred for the entire “holiday.” I have spent the rest of my days (thus far) avoiding the whole Halloween thing like the plague. Now, at age 24 I am going to the Halloween ball at the Rock Hall of Fame on Saturday night. Yes I am dressing up. I must be some sort of masochist.
Sometimes Quitting is Good
I was debating whether or not I was going to do this because, well… it’s just downright mean. My friend Craig plays in a classic rock cover band and they had been looking for a singer. They placed an ad in the local free entertainment magazine and got some responses. They got one demo tape from a girl who wanted to sing with the band. She sent a note saying, “check out the tape and let me know if you want me to sing for your band.”
So, please click your right mouse button on the song to download the song, and while you are listening to it, read my commentary. It should be a nice bit of interactive fun. For those without high bandwidth, I apologize. Or maybe you are the lucky ones.
Another Perfect Day – Nice reverb. Good word selection and artsy interpretation of the relatively simple song. The flatness might be misconstrued as a lack of talent, but I find it to be a half step away from genius. A lot of people might not try and fit the lyrics in to places like that, but damn, am I happy this chick did. I think it is an interesting combination of Linda Perry from 4 Non-blondes and Janis Joplin. The heights that she reaches at the end make me think that it really truly is “another perfect day. Because I don’t know how to let it slide, oh yeah.”
Can’t Help Falling in Love – Who can’t go for a good cover? The King would be proud. I would like to commend the backup band, 1 for knowing what kind of songs this performer would be great at and 2 for accurately representing the true greatness of this song as it was performed by UB40. Sure, they could have done the Elvis version, but I think they have figured out what best suits them as a band. And you can’t question their talent evaluation by putting this singer in their band. Unless this is a karaoke track.
Shook – Oh shit man, not the blues. I love the blues. This should really play to the singer’s talents. I feel like I am the object of her affection and that I really did shake her all night long. Or maybe that is my desire to shake her like a British nanny would a baby under her care?
Critical acclaim for the chick singer that should quit:
Iron and Wine: Grog Shop 10/23/2003
It was bitter, bitter cold in Cleveland yesterday. I can only imagine if I was a boy from Florida, what it would have felt like. Sam Beam from Miami, who is also known under the band monicker Iron and Wine played the Grog Shop in Cleveland last night as an opener for Broadcast.
Last night’s show was almost an anti-concert. No crazy lights. No gritting of teeth. No ridiculous WOOO’s from the audience. Hell there was almost no talking while Sam, his sister Sarah and a good friend played through a good portion of the Iron and Wine songs. Most of the set, Sam and Sarah spent with their eyes closed harmonizing in something that couldn’t have been much above a whisper. All the while, his friend was picking up the secondary parts to the songs with slide guitar, banjo and acoustic guitar.
The audience was completely tuned in to the music for the whole set, which included Rooster Moans, Upward Over the Mountain and Lion’s Mane. The highlights for me personally were Bird Stealing Bread, The Sea and the Rhythm and the closing song, Muddy Hymnal. When Sam announced that they only had one song left, the crowd collectively moaned and someone offered to buy the trio their beer for the rest of the night if they would play four more. As it turned out they had two songs left and that is how they left us.
The only other communication during the show was occasionally in-between songs, when Sam would look into the audience. It was almost like he couldn’t believe all these people were here to see him and were enjoying what he was doing. The audience responded with appreciation. There was a lot of love in the room last night, and while that sounds really trite, it was different. There wasn’t a sense of idolatry because the attitude on stage wouldn’t allow it. It was more of a mutual admiration projected to and from the stage.
The audience could see it every now and then as something would overcome Sam as he appeared to want to hide behind his overgrown beard. Then a bashful and incredibly gracious smile would come over his face as he looked around to make eye contact and thank the audience that had listened silently to his fragile melodies.
