Straight Eye for the Straight Guy
There are some fashion rights and wrongs that are so blatantly obvious that even straight men should be able to point them out to others. While this should be the case, I see the rules broken every single day. I am no fashion expert, but come on people, is it really that hard?
1. No matter how large your sense of nostalgia for the 60’s and/or Happy Days, it is never acceptable to visibly wear a comb in the back pocket of your pants. It’s really kind of funny, because the comb shows some sort of strange commitment to vanity while keeping it on your person make’s you look like a horse’s ass.
2. I know I have mentioned this before, but it always stands to be said again. If you are going to wear a tie then a short-sleeved shirt is out of the question. Unless you want to look like a Mormon whoring pamphlets door-to-door, I think it would be best to stay away from the short-sleeved dress shirt.
3. I have to hand it to the Mormons though; they know enough to NEVER wear plaid shirts with ties. What kind of messed up eye disease do you need to have to put on a plaid shirt and any color tie and look in the mirror and say, “Hot damn, I am so desirable in this, and my co-workers and superiors will have to take me seriously with this power outfit.”
4. Suspenders. Suspenders? Unless you are some sort of artistic eccentric, you will have a very tough time getting away with these. Hell, if they worked for everyone, cows would celebrate, as they weren’t being slaughtered to make belts. Unfortunately, I don’t think the animals are safe just yet.
5. Although they aren’t considered jeans, thus making them eligible for the work environment, your ratty corduroy pants with the shape from 1971 (bell) and the ridiculous stretch mark where you carry your wallet, should probably stay at home. Actually, I don’t know what you should do with them, but they should probably be removed from your home just in case you ever got the inkling to even wear them while doing yard work. Please do not let me catch you wearing these pants with a comb hanging out of the back pocket.
6. Although you don’t often see them on men anymore, one thing that a straight guy should be able to notice on a woman (or man) is the perm. This went out more than a few years ago now, and just based on men’s preferences in dating, it should be obvious that perms don’t work. You still qualify for the perm if you live in a trailer, watch Nascar, or think Geddy Lee is the greatest singer of all time. Even then, you should probably not broadcast these facts to the world with your selection in hairstyle.
Well, six isn’t a lot, but it is a damn good start. Let me know if you have some more. I, and the rest of our seemingly inept straight community would appreciate it.
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Straight Eye for the Straight Guy
There are some fashion rights and wrongs that are so blatantly obvious that even straight men should be able to…
So who won the Friday Five contest? Come on Craig the wait has been killing me since I entered days ago!!!!
I love this game!!!
Here are what grabs me:
sandals with socks look adapted by many wearing “cool” sports sandals with bleached white socks. Nothing says rugged out doorsy like tube socks pulled up to your knees wih some sweet pay-less sandals!
Tennis shoes with Khakis and a button up shirt ala Zach Morris in Saved By the Bell
Neatly rolled sleeves that reveal really unique tribal tattoos. Everyone has tribal tattoos,If you wanna show off your tattoos be really hard core and get them on your face!!!!
Nascar Sponsor Jackets: No matter how cool you think it is a rainbow colored jacket with Duponts logo on the chest is really cheesy!
Top siders w/o socks was really preppy in the mid 80’s now it looks like you are trying to get invited to the Miami Vice Reunion show.
my rule of thumb is, if I think I may embarrass a member of the party accompanying me while I am in the outfit I choose, than I probably shouldn’t wear it.
to expand on rule 4, even worse then suspenders are suspenders worn in combination with a belt…what, just in case?…the justice department needs to jump on this an create a law
the other thing i hate is the chin strap…nothing say hey i drive a tricked out neon like a chin strap
In reference to #1, I must say that I still prefer the comb in the pocket to the comb in the ‘fro look. Why don’t you just keep your wallet and your keys up there while you’re at it?
In reference to # 2, I must say that at one point my boss had mastered this look. With his military hair cut and glasses he looked eerily similar to Michael Douglas in Falling Down. (Click on my name below)
I brought the movie in one day for my own comparison. I haven’t seen that look from him since.
I must say however, that the old man black dress socks with shorts and tennis shoes (or even worse, shorts and dress shoes) has to be without a doubt the worst look of all time.
tricked out neon… nice…
this reminds me of the time I was driving to work and a guy with a customized escort pulled up next to me. He gave me the Vin Diesel look, looked back forward and slammed the gas on his customized FORD FRICKIN ESCORT! As I heard the high pitched scream of his overloaded four cylinder ford engine, I thought to myself, “It doesn’t matter that you have custom wheels, decals and a spoiler that is cartoonishly big because you never changed the engine in your shitty little car.”
Customize all you want, but until you change the engine you will still be wasting your time and precious disposable income.
Don’t knock the Escort, man. Fine automobile. Fuel efficient. And it’s mine, all mine.
“Happy Days” = 50s, not 60s, silly.
Hey Justin, did you put a cartoonishly large spoiler on it?
I have no problems as long as your answer is no.
The freakishly large spoiler is a complete waste of aeronautical surface space. In order for one of those to work the Ford Taurus would have to be moving at nearly 130 miles per hour, To see any benefit from the spoiler.
Why don’t the Vin Dieselans invest some of their money into buying a nicer base model instead of souping up a shitty car. The rule with cars, as with dating for me has always been you cant polish a turd!
My biggest problem is when people put huge decals that advertise what kind of car they drive. When I drove my s-10 that was a complete piece of shit (and that I loved by the way!) I was never tempted to put S-10 across the windshield. Why if you drive a car like a Ford Tempo do you feel the need to advertise this fact? You could save everyone the guess work and get a giant decal for your windshield that says turd!
I used turd twice in this post!
Dizzil
No. No racing stripe, either. Nor PHAT rims, yo.
Go Escort Racer, Go!
I always thought that people splashed “Honda” or “Civic” or “Nissan” or whatnot across their windshields in case they needed to locate their car from a helicopter in an emergency.