FilteringCraig

As some of you might know, I have been teaching second graders very low-level economics once per week. So, this week, I was teaching styles of production. Assembly line and unit styles of production to be specific, and it was based on some fictional donut shop. There are all these little cardboard donuts, and stickers with ingredient names and crayons to color them. I got 5 kids to sit down and simulate making donuts for two minutes under both styles. They put stickers on for mixing ingredients, pop them out of the case for shaping, color to simulate flavoring and then a quality checker checks. They needed to �make� as many donuts as possible in two minutes.

So I had them try it in both production styles and then counted the results to compare. The funny part was that when I was counting the donuts, I was having them count with me as I transferred one donut at a time from my left hand to my right. So, as any group of second graders might, they started to count in rhythm and were taking for granted the fact that I was actually going to grab the next donut. Silly, trusting, ignorant little children! Do they know who they are dealing with? If they are going to hang with Craig, they are going to have to join the comedic big leagues!

So every now and then when they were ready to count the next one I would fake like I was going to grab the donut and then I would just stop my hand. They would continue counting, I would keep a straight face and stare menacingly into their midst. It was like a really mean version of simon says or something. For about one second, they were shocked and thought they were going to get yelled at or something, and then they just burst out laughing. I had the class cracking up. The teacher was shaking because she was laughing so hard. It was great. I don’t know if they learned anything, but it was fun. Moral of the story is, if you think you are unfunny, go find a second grader and do some of the most low-level slapstick you can think of and you will feel like Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey combined.

I am going to do the friday five because I have so much fun doing it on Mister Crunchy Dot Com. I don’t know if he is doing it this week or not, but make sure you look over there because he always has interesting answers.

The Friday Five

1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why?
My favorite superhero was and is Superman. I know it isn’t really that crazy a pick, but I always loved watching Lois and Clark when I was younger, and I think Smallville is a pretty good show, despite its Dawson-esque-ness. Plus the guy who plays Lex was really funny in Sorority Boys. I bet he is hoping nobody rents that one.

2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got?
Although my brother wanted one more, I always wanted a dog. We didn’t get one until pretty late in my high school years, so by the time the dog (Sadie) was about two or something, I left for Boston to go to school.

3. What’s the furthest from home you’ve been?
My freshman year of high school, I went on a school sponsored spring break trip to Spain. We went to Madrid, Toledo, Costa Del Sol, and a few other cities that escape me right now.

4. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to learn but haven’t yet?
The one thing I always wanted to learn was guitar, and now I am learning it. Then I always wanted to write songs, and I am giving that my best shot. Other than that, I can’t think of anything at the moment.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
Tonight, I might go do some music trivia in lovely Wadsworth, Ohio. Saturday night I am going to see OneLineDrawing (as you can see in an earlier post.)
Sunday, I have my guitar lesson and I am going to record my second song with my friend and namesake Craig

If you feel like it, leave your answers to these questions in the comments section. Have a nice weekend.

Welcome Mark!
First and foremost, I would like to welcome my brother Mark to the fold. He unleashed one of his riffs on me in one of the comment sections earlier today. Just imagine him delivering that uninterrupted with a straight face, and you will know why I can’t stop laughing when he is around. Although my mom just gets angry because I encourage him.

OneLine Drawing
On saturday, February 1, I will be going to the
Grog Shop in Coventry to see OneLineDrawing. This is a one-guy band type of deal. Just one guy and a guitar, sometimes playing with a drum beat and sometimes with a music backing, but always with the sound effects from his 1 foot high replica toy of R2D2. I saw OneLineDrawing open up for Thursday at the Agora, and the songs are beautiful. Jonah, the guy in OLD, is really fun to watch and has a great singing voice. So, make sure if you live in the Cleveland area, you do NOT miss this show. I will see you there.

The Used
More music. I CANNOT stop listening to the eponymous debut byThe Used. For those of you who watch the Osbournes on MTV, the lead singer is that scuzzy looking dude named Bert, who is dating Kelly on a couple of the shows. Their album is absolutely infectious. It is melodic, abrasive, and beautiful at different points. I am going to see them on February 13th at the Agora in Cleveland. Originally, I just wanted to see another band called Finch, but now I am more excited to see The Used. For those of you who want to check out a couple songs by The Used, make sure you listen to, “On My Own” and/or “Poetic Tragedy.” I think you will fall in love.

Anyone else going to these shows?

51. People who proofread my writing (happy?)
52. Noticing new things about a place you have been a million times
53. Knowing the answer to Final Jeopardy
54. Washing your hair the first time after a hair cut
55. Cheesy Mashed potatoes
56. The day AFTER moving
57. Hitting a good golf shot on the last shot of the round to keep you coming back
58. The ever important ability to rationalize
59. The 6th sense that enables you to remember the real important things even when you didn�t write it down
60. The free car wash with full tank fill-up at Shell gas station in Bainbridge
61. Time signature changes in songs
62. Self checkouts at grocery stores
63. Classic cheesy movies like Goonies, Stand by Me, Gremlins and Indiana Jones that put a smile on my face
64. Accidentally setting the alarm on the weekend and realizing you don�t have to get up
65. Small name record stores with hard to find items and knowledgeable staff
66. The huge jug of pretzels that you can buy at Costco or Sam�s Club
67. When what went around comes around
68. Dennis Franz on NYPD Blue, no matter if his co-star is Ricky Schroeder or Zack Morris
69. Close, exciting Superbowls (Grrrr)
70. Huhuhuh� hehehe�. 69
71. Laughing at British slang like the verb �diddle� because it is different
72. The day Christmas music is officially stopped for another 345 day period
73. The listener emails on the Jim Rome Radio show
74. Surprise first-class airplane upgrades, (mmm, hot towels, warm nuts, liquor and leather)
75. Not knowing whether the last sentence was about first class on an airplane or an Asian massage parlor, just kidding
76. The industrial sized bottle of Advil from Sam�s Club
77. Staple removers
78. Buying Christmas gift certificates on Ebay for a discount
79. Having a good excuse to get out of jury duty (even though it is YOUR civic duty)
80. Giving shit to telemarketers
81. Making fun of people for eating Shwarma
82. The phone book in my cell phone that ensures I never have to remember another phone number
83. The little �express� shoe shine sponge
84. Rock and Roll Jeopardy
85. The little zipper pockets that were on those Kangaroo Pouch shoes when I was little
86. Line 6 guitar amplifiers with their plentiful amp voices and effects
87. Females in music who write their own music (Natalie Merchant, Tori Amos, Sheryl Crow, The Sundays)
88. Racquetball
89. Wireless networking
90. Boston sports radio and its irrational hosts and callers
91. Personal accomplishments magnet-ted to your parents� fridge
92. Free newspapers
93. Wrinkle free clothes (dress shirts and pants)
94. Evil Ohio skies that are subject to change in less than a moment�s notice
95. The news portion of the Howard Stern Show
96. The ass-warmers in my car seats
97. Pop Tarts (untoasted)
98. Doubling down on 11
99. Cheese steak pizza in Philly
100. Finishing what you started

The end of this list was harder than I thought it would be.

I am the king of status reporting. There are lots of things I can’t do in this world (I am sure some of you would be more than happy to point those things out). But, when it comes to taking a project, summarizing it and issuing a report on behalf of the stakeholders and project resources, I am proclaiming excellence and marking my kingdom.

Sure, some of you might view status reporting as non-value add, but I am good at it, so shut up.

Status Report Generator (inferior to my work though)

26. Casual Friday�s
27. Online tax returns
28. The incredible dialog in a Kevin Smith movie
29. Cracking my back in the morning
30. Playing Wally-Ball (volleyball played in a racquetball court)
31. The first swim of the summertime when it feels REALLY foreign to be in water again
32. Walking through Cambridge, Mass in the fall
33. The first warm week of the year, when the clothes start flying off
34. Taking the tie off after work
35. Bands on the Run � (VH1 show) Why wasn�t there a second season?
36. Extra-innings baseball games
37. Coinmonster shows when they used to end with �Frank Was a Pimp�
38. The cynical realizations that go along with being 17 years old
39. Being irrational in your early 20�s
40. Getting out of college and learning which battles are worth fighting
41. Open bars at weddings
42. The obligatory drunk uncle at every wedding
43. Cosmic bowling (loud music and lights) This must have been created in the Midwest
44. Winning carnival goldfish
45. Company-sponsored retirement parties
46. The first few moments to myself after a large family gathering
47. Surprise visits from people you haven�t seen in a long time
48. Mooching off your parents during parents� weekend at college
49. Bleu cheese encrusted filet
50. Rearranging furniture and cleaning when you are depressed

More to come…

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has been engaging in various copyright battles over the last 4 or 5 years or so. They are claiming that unauthorized copying of works is ruining their business. They claim that demand for authorized works is eating away at their profits. I am not sure if this is true or not. There is some data that contributes to the argument that copying, is creating more music fans than there would be otherwise. Also, the economy isn�t doing very well (in case you haven�t noticed) and maybe people are just buying less music. For the sake of this argument let�s say that the pirating of the works actually is doing the companies financial harm. I think that the record companies are focused on the wrong issue. They are worried about their customer base, but they should worry about the artists.

The source of the copying issue, is the fact that copies are now perfect AND are done cheaper and cheaper every day. DVD copying isn�t even close to mainstream yet, but write-able CD�s cost under a dollar in many cases, and the reproduced versions of your music will sound the same. This is why the pirating has been so popular in its most recent existence. The fans don’t have to sacrifice any music quality when they got their free music. When cassette tapes were the main pirating option, this wasn�t the case. There was a significant quality drop-off, when you recorded a friend�s music.

The point is, that the ease and relative cheapness of perfect copies isn�t such a threat on the customer level. The companies still can give artwork and things like that. BUT, what happens to the record companies when artists and their managers realize that they don�t even need record companies? In prior years, artists needed financial backing, support for the radio, and preference at venues around the country. With the internet, the radio is a lot less important, financial backing is not as important because it is so cheap to produce music, and if you think the venues have any loyalty to record companies, let them see how cheaply they can put on shows when the artists aren�t paying a big portion of their appearance fees back to some record company.

So, we have a customer base that is determined to cut out the record companies, and eventually the talent will also start to cut them out. Where is their value added? What can they do, particularly for an artist that a manager couldn�t do for them? Maybe a little networking?

Tell me what I am missing.

I have seen other people do lists like these, so I figured I would do one too.

100 things good�

1. A rock concert that is so good that it takes until the next day to realize just how sore your neck is from staring up at a band without moving all night
2. Soft pretzels with mustard or nacho cheese sauce
3. Comfortable silences
4. Leaving for vacation
5. Walking through your front door X number of days later to sleep in your own bed
6. The smell of mom�s coffee
7. Laughing so hard your face hurts
8. Movies that are so good you wish you could go back and watch it again for the first time
9. Watching others listen to your music for the first time
10. The unconditional idolatry of young children
11. Skee-ball games to win crappy prize tickets (unless they have a �no banking� rule)
12. Keeping track of long distance college friends with AOL Instant Messenger
13. A karaoke night without hearing any songs from the movie Grease
14. The skyline of a new city as you are flying into the airport for the first time
15. The �album info� options included in Windows Media Player
16. The straight faced comedy of my brother
17. The uncontrolled tail wagging of my parents dumb dog
18. Mint chocolate chip ice cream (only if it is artificially colored green)
19. Online bill payments so I am not late
20. The guttural scream of Dax Riggs
21. The chicken fajita salad at AppleBees
22. Being so busy at work that before you know it, it is about 4:00 pm
23. An old pair of shoes that has molded to my foot
24. Taking naps with really heavy music on the stereo
25. The feeling right after the guitar part comes together with the vocal melody�

More to come��.

Continuing the theme of the weekend, which appears to be: everything we do needs to be worthy of storytelling at a later date. Jon (ex-roommate) and I were sitting around last night. We considered going to see 25th Hour (Spike Lee, Ed Norton), but instead we sat around and watch Shallow Hal on HBO. Like Mister Crunchy , I am a big fan of Jack Black, although I was unaware of his music career until after MC told me. Anyway, we laughed, we cried, and we felt all the other emotions that go along with watching an actor of Jack Black�s stature and ability.

Then, I decided we had been sitting around too long and I wanted to go somewhere� Anywhere. So, we decided to go to Scorchers. Scorchers is a bar that is just up the hill from my apartment complex. It is kind of like a sports bar, but it doesn’t have very many large TV’s. They have live “music” on the weekends. So we headed up the street and entered to the sound of reggae. There were three people on stage. An old guy with long, gray hair playing some bongos that were lit up like Christmas trees on psychedelic drugs. Then there was a DJ type of guy yelling, waving his hands, playing the keyboard and spinning records.

Finally, there was a 3rd guy wearing a hat, singing, and dancing around like a maniac. At least I think you could still call it dancing. He was jumping and randomly moving his feet in patterns that were taking him from left to right on the stage, occasionally spinning to a stop to sing something (badly) into the microphone. If you don�t know what I am describing, think of the following recipe.

Craig�s recipe for dancing so badly that you would get kicked out of both weddings and Bar mitzvahs.

1. Take 1 cup M.C. Hammer, minus baggy pants, posse and any ounce of talent
2. 1 ounce Snow (remember the dude who had that one song, Informer from the album 12 inches of snow?) so add a quarter ounce of him minus the one hit.
3. Add two cups of Shaggy, minus any credibility and pop sensibility
4. Add one POUND of Vanilla Ice. Especially the Vanilla Ice from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. (�Go White Boy Go White Boy Go!�)
5. Finally add a pinch of Jon Lovitz�s character from the Wedding Singer. �I�d like to see a DJ who can move like THIS!�

Stay tuned for another post on the audience. I just don�t have the energy to write that post right now because I am exhausted from the fits of laughter.

My friend and ex-roommate from Boston is in town this weekend visiting. It was a surprise visit and he came in last night a little after 10:00 pm. Little did he know that I was going to take him to a rock show at the Hi-Fi Club in Cleveland to see a band called Leo. On the way there, I was telling him that he would be able to tell everyone that he saw Leo with about 50 people before they made it big. I am convinced that this band is actually going to “make it.”

So we get to the show and everything is great. The band is doing a great set. The lead singer of Leo is incredible. He has great presence and an even greater vocal range. He hits notes that would require a violent shot to the crotch, if I ever wanted to hit them.

Anyway, the band rocks through seven or eight songs and then they call a violinist on stage. I have seen Leo many times and they have never played with a violinist, so I was excited to see what they would do. Then the lead singer calls one of the audience members on stage. He steps up to the microphone and invites some girl onstage, and he proceeds to propose to her. The crowd wasn�t huge, but those fifty people started making a whole lot of noise as she said yes. It was a pretty amazing moment.

Then Leo played 3 songs with the violinist to close out the show. The dynamics seemed more intense than at any other point in the show and it reached an amazing peak. After seeing such an amazing show (for a mere $6) I feel like this band has to make it, if for no other reason than that couple who had such a big night with such an incredible finish by the band.

This is why I suffer through some bad shows in the Cleveland local music scene. Every now and then you are able to catch a show that you will probably never forget.